September 21, 2008
Punch Brothers Compose Ambitious New Piece
Goal: To Fully Alienate All Traditionalists Regardless of Age, Nationality, Creed
A candid shot caught Punch Brothers relaxing after a hard day of composing.
NEW YORK — Punch Brothers, hot young pioneers of through-composed music for bluegrass instruments, have begun work on their most ambitious piece so far.
The band, which features Chris Thile on mandolin and vocals, will build upon the vast achievements of its previous 40-minute suite, “The Blind Leaving the Blind”, this time employing even more advanced compositional tools towards a singular objective: to estrange every single traditional bluegrass enthusiast without exception.
“We will not come up short this time,” said Thile.
“We came so close with the Piece, but we’re a much more fully realized ensemble now than we were back then.”
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Olympic Officials of Communist China Hail Driessen’s Red Shoes as “Glorious” and “Very Respectful”
BEIJING — The 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing concluded on August 24 with a stunning final ceremony, once-and-for-all surviving the series of misunderstandings and minor episodes that had often threatened to derail China’s momentous hosting efforts.
Throughout the games, Olympic athletes, trainers, fans, entertainers and statesmen from all over the world struggled to adjust to Chinese mores, often deeply offending a rigid host government determined to achieve a suitable level of respect for its vast labors.
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McCain Calls Self “Reformer”, Accepts Republican Nomination in Speech With Midget, Broom
Ralph Stanley of “Man of Constant Sorrow” fame endorses Obama
McCain and his midget mascot, both members of the incumbent Republican party, tout their new reform platform.
MINNEAPOLIS — After countless months of primary season buildup, the presidential race officially began on September 4 with John McCain’s ceremonial acceptance of the GOP nomination, a theatrical oratory spectacle in which the six-term congressman defined his campaign platform in highly implausible terms of reform and unveiled a new Republican mascot, a midget with a broom.
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The Duhks Announce New Green Endorsement Deals: Mascoma Biofuel, GHS Recycled Strings, Trojan Eco-Condoms
The Duhks are the first major folk band to receive an official prophylactic endorsement. Trojan Eco-Condoms consist of a 100% biodegradable starch derivative bioplastic, fabricated from organically farmed raw materials.
WINNIPEG — The Duhks, from Winnipeg, MB, have already staked out a place at the leading edge of folk with their bold musical fusion, rockstar charisma and outspoken environmental consciousness.
Now, the band is preparing to announce a combination of progressive product endorsements that will catapult it to the forefront of the international green music movement.
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Cadillac Sky to Release Vicious Birds of Prey Instead of Soloing
A Cadillac Sky hawk arcs in a predatory swoop at the ROMP Bluegrass Festival in Owensboro, KY.
TEXAS — Cadillac Sky, whose remarkable bluegrass capabilities and head-banger mentality have earned them a fast-growing following in the country world, has recently announced its next radical innovation in rock-grass.
From now on, instead of playing a solo, each member of the band will unleash a savage raptor from an onstage cage, and the blood-thirsty bird will fly into the audience brutally mauling the faces of as many fans as possible until the solo break is over.
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Sparrow Quartet feat. Bela Fleck Puts Crooked Still Out of Business
Boston band starts moving company to pay off new trailer
At a recent black tie gala, Bela Fleck and Abigail Washburn celebrated victory over Crooked Still.
Tristan Clarridge Falls Asleep Onstage During Final Round of Weiser, Still Wins
Tristan Clarridge sleeps to warm up for the national fiddle championship in Weiser, Idaho.
WEISER, IDAHO — Four-time Weiser National Old Time Fiddle Champion and confirmed narcoleptic Tristan Clarridge, 21, has extended his winning record at the prestigious contest with an unprecedented fifth victory.
“Tristan’s triumph over his disability, narcolepsy, is the real story here,” said world-renowned fiddler Mark O’Connor, whose legendary success at the fiddle contest has inspired an entire generation of young players.
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New Mitchell Report on Performance-Enhancing Drugs Names Mountain Heart, Kentucky Thunder
Van Cleve, Kilby, Leftwich to testify before Congress
Skaggs legacy, eligibility for Hall of Fame in jeopardy
Jim Van Cleve, among others, has been named in the new Mitchell report. (Photo courtesy of Kim Davis and Mike Stangeland)
WASHINGTON — The world of bluegrass is reeling from revelations of rampant abuse of performance-enhancing drugs. A Congressional inquiry spearheaded by former Senator George J. Mitchell has yielded a 398-page report, whose allegations stem from a 20-month investigation of most major bluegrass bands.
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