March 24, 2009
Ex-heartthrob forgoes female companionship forever
BROOKLYN — Young bassist Paul Kowert, who recently landed his dream job as a member of the popular band Punch Brothers, has just startled the bluegrass world by announcing that he is newly married.
According to his publicist, Kowert has taken a three-year-old American upright bass as his lawfully wedded spouse.
Kowert, who moved to New York City late last year, is an alumnus of the Curtis Institute of Music and the winner of SPBGMA’s Bachelor of the Year award in 2008.
Kowert’s highly unconventional marriage has both appalled traditionalists and delivered unthinkable disappointment to enormous numbers of female fans.
“He is a true Punch Brother now,” said bandmate Chris Thile.
WOODSTOCK, NY — An intrepid mixture of rhythmical cello playing, jazz vocalization, cryptic folk lyrics, Haitian voodoo drumming and ancient American melody has succeeded in conjuring an actual succubus, live before an audience of entranced folk music fans.
Bethany Yarrow and Rufus Cappadocia, who perform under the group name Bethany and Rufus, used their unique musical blend to summon the mythical woman, who danced provocatively as she gorged herself on the energy and souls of all the men in the room.
“The second coming of Bill Monroe is upon us,” says religious odd couple
NASHVILLE — Multi-Grammy winner and devout Christian Ricky Skaggs is teaming up with Klezmer and bluegrass luminary Andy Statman, an Orthodox Jew, in a mandolin concert the two men agree will likely bring about End Times of Bluegrass, fulfilling the prophecy of the Rapture and subsequent Second Coming of Monroe.
Goal: To Fully Alienate All Traditionalists Regardless of Age, Nationality, Creed
NEW YORK — Punch Brothers, hot young pioneers of through-composed music for bluegrass instruments, have begun work on their most ambitious piece so far.
The band, which features Chris Thile on mandolin and vocals, will build upon the vast achievements of its previous 40-minute suite, “The Blind Leaving the Blind”, this time employing even more advanced compositional tools towards a singular objective: to estrange every single traditional bluegrass enthusiast without exception.
“We will not come up short this time,” said Thile.
“We came so close with the Piece, but we’re a much more fully realized ensemble now than we were back then.”
BEIJING — The 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing concluded on August 24 with a stunning final ceremony, once-and-for-all surviving the series of misunderstandings and minor episodes that had often threatened to derail China’s momentous hosting efforts.
Throughout the games, Olympic athletes, trainers, fans, entertainers and statesmen from all over the world struggled to adjust to Chinese mores, often deeply offending a rigid host government determined to achieve a suitable level of respect for its vast labors.
Ralph Stanley of “Man of Constant Sorrow” fame endorses Obama
MINNEAPOLIS — After countless months of primary season buildup, the presidential race officially began on September 4 with John McCain’s ceremonial acceptance of the GOP nomination, a theatrical oratory spectacle in which the six-term congressman defined his campaign platform in highly implausible terms of reform and unveiled a new Republican mascot, a midget with a broom.
The Duhks Announce New Green Endorsement Deals: Mascoma Biofuel, GHS Recycled Strings, Trojan Eco-Condoms
WINNIPEG — The Duhks, from Winnipeg, MB, have already staked out a place at the leading edge of folk with their bold musical fusion, rockstar charisma and outspoken environmental consciousness.
Now, the band is preparing to announce a combination of progressive product endorsements that will catapult it to the forefront of the international green music movement.
TEXAS — Cadillac Sky, whose remarkable bluegrass capabilities and head-banger mentality have earned them a fast-growing following in the country world, has recently announced its next radical innovation in rock-grass.
From now on, instead of playing a solo, each member of the band will unleash a savage raptor from an onstage cage, and the blood-thirsty bird will fly into the audience brutally mauling the faces of as many fans as possible until the solo break is over.
Boston band starts moving company to pay off new trailer
WEISER, IDAHO — Four-time Weiser National Old Time Fiddle Champion and confirmed narcoleptic Tristan Clarridge, 21, has extended his winning record at the prestigious contest with an unprecedented fifth victory.
“Tristan’s triumph over his disability, narcolepsy, is the real story here,” said world-renowned fiddler Mark O’Connor, whose legendary success at the fiddle contest has inspired an entire generation of young players.