March 24, 2009

Paul Kowert Weds Own Bass in Holy Matrimony

Ex-heartthrob forgoes female companionship forever

Paul Kowert's and his bass, together since 2007, were married in New York last Friday.

Paul Kowert, pictured here with his stunning new bride, is challenging traditional notions of marriage and family. Photo by Maria Camillo.

BROOKLYN — Young bassist Paul Kowert, who recently landed his dream job as a member of the popular band Punch Brothers, has just startled the bluegrass world by announcing that he is newly married.

According to his publicist, Kowert has taken a three-year-old American upright bass as his lawfully wedded spouse.

Kowert, who moved to New York City late last year, is an alumnus of the Curtis Institute of Music and the winner of SPBGMA’s Bachelor of the Year award in 2008.

Kowert’s highly unconventional marriage has both appalled traditionalists and delivered unthinkable disappointment to enormous numbers of female fans.

“He is a true Punch Brother now,” said bandmate Chris Thile.
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Unholy Musical Fusion Conjures Undulating Succubus

“This signifies a major accomplishment, not only for world music fusion but for the dark arts in general,” said one ethnomusicologist .

WOODSTOCK, NY — An intrepid mixture of rhythmical cello playing, jazz vocalization, cryptic folk lyrics, Haitian voodoo drumming and ancient American melody has succeeded in conjuring an actual succubus, live before an audience of entranced folk music fans.

Bethany Yarrow and Rufus Cappadocia, who perform under the group name Bethany and Rufus, used their unique musical blend to summon the mythical woman, who danced provocatively as she gorged herself on the energy and souls of all the men in the room.
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Skaggs, Statman Plan Apocalyptic Mandolin Extravaganza To Bring End Times to Bluegrass

“The second coming of Bill Monroe is upon us,” says religious odd couple

This once-in-a-lifetime concert event will finally establish Ricky Skaggs as the true Second Coming of Monroe.

This once-in-a-lifetime concert event will finally establish Ricky Skaggs as the true Second Coming of Monroe.

NASHVILLE — Multi-Grammy winner and devout Christian Ricky Skaggs is teaming up with Klezmer and bluegrass luminary Andy Statman, an Orthodox Jew, in a mandolin concert the two men agree will likely bring about End Times of Bluegrass, fulfilling the prophecy of the Rapture and subsequent Second Coming of Monroe.
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Punch Brothers Compose Ambitious New Piece

Goal: To Fully Alienate All Traditionalists Regardless of Age, Nationality, Creed

A candid shot of PUnch Brothers relaxing after a hard day of composing.

A candid shot caught Punch Brothers relaxing after a hard day of composing.

NEW YORK — Punch Brothers, hot young pioneers of through-composed music for bluegrass instruments, have begun work on their most ambitious piece so far.

The band, which features Chris Thile on mandolin and vocals, will build upon the vast achievements of its previous 40-minute suite, “The Blind Leaving the Blind”, this time employing even more advanced compositional tools towards a singular objective: to estrange every single traditional bluegrass enthusiast without exception.

“We will not come up short this time,” said Thile.

“We came so close with the Piece, but we’re a much more fully realized ensemble now than we were back then.”
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Olympic Officials of Communist China Hail Driessen’s Red Shoes as “Glorious” and “Very Respectful”

Casey Driessen, along with Bela Fleck and Abigail Washburn, appears in a Chinese propaganda broadcast featuring the fiddler’s red shoes. The trio performs a traditional Chinese folk song about Communist footwear.

BEIJING — The 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing concluded on August 24 with a stunning final ceremony, once-and-for-all surviving the series of misunderstandings and minor episodes that had often threatened to derail China’s momentous hosting efforts.

Throughout the games, Olympic athletes, trainers, fans, entertainers and statesmen from all over the world struggled to adjust to Chinese mores, often deeply offending a rigid host government determined to achieve a suitable level of respect for its vast labors.
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McCain Calls Self “Reformer”, Accepts Republican Nomination in Speech With Midget, Broom

Ralph Stanley of “Man of Constant Sorrow” fame endorses Obama

McCain and his midget mascot, both members of the incumbent Republican party, tout their new reform platform.

McCain and his midget mascot, both members of the incumbent Republican party, tout their new reform platform.

MINNEAPOLIS — After countless months of primary season buildup, the presidential race officially began on September 4 with John McCain’s ceremonial acceptance of the GOP nomination, a theatrical oratory spectacle in which the six-term congressman defined his campaign platform in highly implausible terms of reform and unveiled a new Republican mascot, a midget with a broom.
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The Duhks Announce New Green Endorsement Deals: Mascoma Biofuel, GHS Recycled Strings, Trojan Eco-Condoms

the duhks announce green deals

The Duhks are the first major folk band to receive an official prophylactic endorsement. Trojan Eco-Condoms consist of a 100% biodegradable starch derivative bioplastic, fabricated from organically farmed raw materials.

WINNIPEG — The Duhks, from Winnipeg, MB, have already staked out a place at the leading edge of folk with their bold musical fusion, rockstar charisma and outspoken environmental consciousness.

Now, the band is preparing to announce a combination of progressive product endorsements that will catapult it to the forefront of the international green music movement.
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Cadillac Sky to Release Vicious Birds of Prey Instead of Soloing

One of the band's hawks arcs in a predatory swoop at the ROMP Bluegrass Festival in Owensboro, KY.

A Cadillac Sky hawk arcs in a predatory swoop at the ROMP Bluegrass Festival in Owensboro, KY.

TEXAS — Cadillac Sky, whose remarkable bluegrass capabilities and head-banger mentality have earned them a fast-growing following in the country world, has recently announced its next radical innovation in rock-grass.

From now on, instead of playing a solo, each member of the band will unleash a savage raptor from an onstage cage, and the blood-thirsty bird will fly into the audience brutally mauling the faces of as many fans as possible until the solo break is over.
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Sparrow Quartet feat. Bela Fleck Puts Crooked Still Out of Business

Boston band starts moving company to pay off new trailer

At a recent black tie gala, Bela Fleck and Abigail Washburn celebrated their victory over Crooked Still.

At a recent black tie gala, Bela Fleck and Abigail Washburn celebrated victory over Crooked Still.

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Tristan Clarridge Falls Asleep Onstage During Final Round of Weiser, Still Wins

Tristan Clarridge sleeps to warm up for the national fiddle championship in Weiser, Idaho.

Tristan Clarridge sleeps to warm up for the national fiddle championship in Weiser, Idaho.

WEISER, IDAHO — Four-time Weiser National Old Time Fiddle Champion and confirmed narcoleptic Tristan Clarridge, 21, has extended his winning record at the prestigious contest with an unprecedented fifth victory.

“Tristan’s triumph over his disability, narcolepsy, is the real story here,” said world-renowned fiddler Mark O’Connor, whose legendary success at the fiddle contest has inspired an entire generation of young players.
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