Despite countless technical achievements, the problem of how to make progressive banjo playing less earnest and more ironic had thwarted banjoists for years.

TELLURIDE, CO — As progressive banjo players continued their race towards the most innovative style, one picker’s achievement stood alone this year as the most significant artistic and musical advance in all of banjo playing.

Scholars agree that Noam Pikelny’s performance at the 2009 Telluride Bluegrass Festival marked a milestone in modern banjo and established a new paradigm for artistic innovation in acoustic music.

During Punch Brothers’ highly anticipated “Play and Sing Bluegrass” set, Pikelny played flawlessly in a variety of styles but did so with long sideburns and a highly ironic moustache styled after many well-known players’ of the 1970’s.

Critics and fans immediately agreed that Pikelny’s facial hair constituted a breakthrough tour-de-force in musical sarcasm.

For the past ten years, banjo players have struggled with how to achieve 21st century “superirony” through progressive banjo playing.

Despite countless advances affecting fingerings, tunings, tone, amplification, and harmony, the problem of how to make progressive banjo playing less earnest and more sardonic has repeatedly thwarted banjoists.

“I don’t get it. You’d think these guys were working on Sputnik or something,” said M. Murray, a rock music fan.

Indeed, banjo players have historically sought technical solutions to musical problems, an approach which worked well for most of the last century.

Luminaries such as Earl Scruggs, Don Reno, Bill Keith, and Bela Fleck all founded influential music careers on their development of pioneering new techniques.

“Those days are over. Novelty is no longer quite such an important force behind major musical achievements,” said Dr. Sherwood Harman, a pop musicologist.

“As Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Usher, the Arctic Monkeys, Britney Spears, OutKast, the White Stripes, and countless indie bands have demonstrated: the greatest artistic innovation of the ‘00’s has been to unapologetically borrow and recombine preexisting styles, but mix in a shit-ton of irony,” he continued.

“Do you mean like Kanye West’s space odyssey?” asked one student.

“No, actually, that was serious,” responded Dr. Harman.

On the final night of Telluride, Fleck joined Pikelny and the rest of Punch Brothers on stage at the Sheridan Opera House, and the expanded group reprised Fleck’s modern bluegrass classic “See Rock City”.

Even skeptics of progressive bluegrass acknowledged Pikelny's unique and highly effective approach.

“But instead of taking a banjo break when his turn came around, Noam just let the audience consider his moustache for like a minute-and-a-half,” recalled E. Helmers, a banjo player in the audience.

Although Fleck played a creative and engaging solo over his own composition, his playing lacked the utter freshness and originality of Pikelny’s moustache solo.

Even skeptics of progressive bluegrass acknowledged Pikelny’s totally unique and highly effective approach.

“Punch Brothers are my new favorite band,” said C. DiMario, who is uncommonly skeptical of most things.

Over the course of the concert, Pikelny brought his moustache to bear on everything from note-for-note Radiohead covers to ultra-traditional bluegrass banjo breaks.

“Noam has just brought progressive banjo playing into the new decade,” said Helmers.

MARIETTA, GA — The United States’ practice of torturing detainees and prisoners of war with prolonged exposure to unbearably loud music at Guantanamo Bay and other ‘black sites’ has provoked strong reactions of outrage and concern within the music industry.

But within the world of bluegrass several professionals are expressing support for the use of music in the War on Terror, arguing that very loud music is both legal and highly effective as a tool of interrogation.

Sources close to the band Mountain Heart indicate that the renowned group is urgently striving to play faster, harder, and louder than ever before in hopes that its music help win the war on terror.

“The revelation of music torture or, ‘torture lite’, was a real call-to-arms for these guys,” said a friend of the band.

Music experts agree that Mountain Heart is the only bluegrass band with the skills, intensity, and patriotic fervor to make music significantly more effective than what the US government already uses on prisoners.

“They could make Deicide’s ‘F**k Your God’ seem like a pretty little lullaby,” said bluegrass documentarian M. Miado.

“Back in simpler times, State would send American musicians to perform overseas to promote peace, cultural harmony, and a positive perception of the US, ” said an anonymous State Department official.

The music of Mountain Heart has always been characterized by an unyielding display of power, American passion, and complete dominance over the listener and other bluegrass ensembles.

“The tragic events of 9/11 exposed that strategy as so much hippie bullshit, so we’ve adopted a new, wartime application for music in the field,” he added.

One Guantanamo interrogator estimated that excruciatingly loud, repetitive music interspersed with blinding flashes of strobe light could ‘break’ a detainee in just four days.

“Four days is too long when lives hang in the balance,” said one Mountain Heart member. “If we need actionable intelligence we need it NOW.”

The music of Mountain Heart, which to this point has been geared toward audience enjoyment, has nonetheless been characterized by an unyielding display of power, American passion, and complete dominance over the listener and other bluegrass ensembles.

Indeed, medical experts caution that enjoying the music of Mountain Heart for more than two consecutive hours causes a sensory over-stimulation that may result in permanent desensitization to normal human experiences.

“It’s the closest thing the bluegrass fan has to smoking crack,” said J. Harper, an enthusiast.

Meanwhile, numerous pop stars including members of Rage Against the Machine, Pearl Jam, and REM have recently invoked the Freedom of Information Act to force the CIA and FBI to release the names of songs used in their prisoner interrogations.

Among other things, these stars allege that the CIA is using music to “humiliate, terrify, punish, disorient and deprive detainees of sleep, in violation of international law.”

“Dude, Mountain Heart is gonna be all over this,” added Harper.

Like band leader Rushad Eggleston, Rodman's exhibitionist flair, fearless antics, and high profile love affairs have piqued public interest for years.

OAKLAND, CA — Rushad Eggleston, the exceptionally flamboyant cellist and front man of the one-of-a-kind cello rock band Tornado Rider, intends to expand his group with the addition of celebrity bad boy and former basketball star Dennis Rodman.

Rodman will join Graham Terry, electric bass and Scott Manke, drums.

“We were looking for someone who could bring a lot of hustle, energy and stage presence to the Tornado Rider team,” said the band’s manager.

“Rodman brings all those things plus an unparalleled experience with public antics, cross-dressing, tattoos, and sexually transmitted infections,” he added.

Rock critics have hailed Tornado Rider as “the most astonishing expression of pure id ever achieved with a cello.”

Eggleston, who sings and wears his instrument on a guitar strap, performs with an acrobatic flair, leaping off walls, diving into crowds, even spinning around on his back without missing a note.

Eggleston revolutionized folk and improvisational cello music when he hit the acoustic scene in 2001 with his highly original musical style, and he soon achieved renown performing with Crooked Still, the Fiddlers 4 and countless others.

He also achieved some infamy resulting from his ebullient personality, shocking and revealing costumes, fearless jumps from high stages, and willingness to say inappropriate words such as “vagina.”

In 2008, he left acoustic music to focus his own efforts on heavily amplified cello rock backed by drums and electric bass.

Dennis Rodman’s notorious exhibitionism has often overshadowed his professional achievements, which include five NBA championship titles, numerous rebounding records, two Defensive Player of the Year awards, and likely induction into the Hall of Fame.

His equally legendary career of misbehavior has included high profile affairs with Madonna and Carmen Electra, countless run-ins with the law, naked photo shoots and periodic tell-all autobiographies.

Once he even attempted to marry himself dressed in a white wedding gown, likely as a publicity stunt.

Since leaving basketball Rodman has taken part in pro wrestling bouts, movies, and reality television shows, and he even completed a stint as commissioner of something called the Lingerie Football League.

Many people unfamiliar with the Tornado Rider Band have expressed concern that Rodman, ostensibly a backup performer, may distract audiences from Eggleston, the focal point of the group.

“I really don’t think that will be a problem,” said Eggleston’s manager. “My boy can play the most ripping cello solo in the world while hanging upside down half naked from the rafters and screaming about bisons or some crazy s—t,” he continued.

“Yeah it’s true, I was there,” said J. McConnell, guitarist.

Impressively, McPeake’s smell and taste test was able to pinpoint the banjo’s origin to a specific 1933 lot and serial number.

MT. JULIET, TN— Vintage banjo expert Curtis McPeake has awed the banjo world and fortified his own legend by successfully validating the origin of a pre-World War II Gibson Mastertone flathead based on smell and taste alone.

“I found this banjo in my grandpa’s attic after he passed on, and everyone told me that Curtis McPeake would be the world’s best guy to appraise it,” said the banjo’s owner, a Michigan native.

“Absolutely nobody else in the world has this level of familiarity with pre-war banjos. His appraisals are definitive, but I must admit there’s a certain element of mystery there,” said R. Smith, a Tennessee instrument maker.

Vintage Gibson banjos sometimes consist of nonstandard combinations of easily interchangeable parts that are notoriously difficult to verify. And in recent years high market values have driven ever more sophisticated forgeries.

McPeake customizes his appraisal regimen based on the exact attributes of each banjo, and much of his credibility derives from the intangible expertise gained by possessing and playing so many vintage Gibsons over the course of his lifetime.

During his analysis of the banjo, McPeake first removed the bronze tone ring from the pot of the instrument, briefly caressed it and smelled its entire perimeter several times.

“Then he licked it pretty extensively, like a lollipop,” said the banjo’s owner.

Within thirty minutes, McPeake had completed his written appraisal of the instrument, which is now for sale on consignment at cmcpeake.com for $85,000 or best offer.

“Yup, it’s the real McCoy,” said McPeake.

Impressively, McPeake’s smell and taste test was able to pinpoint the banjo’s origin to a specific 1933 lot and serial number.

“RB-3, 9469-6,” said McPeake.

However, some skeptics in the banjo community have quietly expressed concerns about the methods employed by McPeake and others.

“McPeake seriously licked a pre-war ring like a lollipop?” said Noam Pikelny, a pre-war banjo owner. “I find all of this very hard to believe.”

After an initial euphoria, fiddle abuse can cause vomiting, confusion, seizures, prolonged stupor, discolored skin, unconsciousness and anterograde amnesia.

MT. AIRY, NC— Public health officials, who only recently classified fiddle music as a bona fide intoxicant, now warn of a possible epidemic of fiddle abuse threatening American youths and young adults.

Alarmingly, the annual number of Americans seeking hospitalization for fiddle poisoning has more than doubled since 2003, increasing from 1,239 to 2,805.

Fiddle poisoning is a serious and potentially deadly consequence of an acute, massive overdose of fiddle music, achieved either through playing, listening or both.

Symptoms range in severity from simple vomiting and confusion to seizures, prolonged stupor, discolored skin, low body temperature, unconsciousness and anterograde amnesia, also known as “blacking out”.

According to CDC statistics, teenagers who start fiddling regularly before the age of 15 have a four-fold risk of developing a fiddle dependency, and a nine-fold risk of experiencing fiddle poisoning at least once in their lives.

And withdrawal from a severe fiddle dependency can cause a variety of health problems including convulsions, cardiac arrhythmia, and even highly specific brain damage resulting from neural apoptosis.

“It’s true. I couldn’t stop this s—t if I wanted to,” said fiddler Matt Brown.

"Excessive fiddling is so often accompanied by drastic alcohol consumption and sleep deprivation that it becomes almost impossible to measure the effects of fiddle abuse alone," said one skeptic.

For years, anecdotal evidence has suggested that binge fiddling at music festivals was approaching epidemic proportions.

“Yeah, I definitely saw some college-age fiddler barfing in the woods that second night of Clifftop last year, very likely because of fiddle poisoning,” said Eric Frey of the Red Stick Ramblers.

“Of course, that could have just been because some guy with a beard had just lectured her on his theory of the modes,” said C. Scoggins, another festivalgoer.

Fiddler Earl Merle, who attended last weekend’s Mt. Airy Fiddlers Convention in North Carolina, responded to an Intelligencer query about whether he had seen anyone at the event vomit from a fiddle overdose.

“Uh, just me. But that’s hardly news,” said Merle.

The problem of fiddle abuse has been worsening in other countries as well. After April’s Shetland Folk Festival in Scotland, almost a dozen people sought medical treatment for fiddle overdose.

“Everyone on that entire island plays fiddle. Constantly. And the festival lasts twenty-four hours a day for almost a week,” said cellist Rushad Eggleston, who barely survived severe fiddle poisoning after his 2006 appearance at the festival.

“I’m frankly surprised the casualty rate stays so low,” he said.

But despite a solid consensus within the medical community, some question the conclusion that fiddling in-and-of-itself constitutes a health hazard.

“Excessive fiddling is so often accompanied by drastic alcohol consumption and sleep deprivation that it becomes almost impossible to measure the effects of fiddle abuse alone,” said Greg Liszt, a retired scientist who attends fiddle conventions in his spare time.

“I don’t even really believe in alcohol poisoning, let alone this rubbish about toxic fiddle,” said chemist and banjo player Dr. E. Coyne, an Irishman.

“Come here I’ll sort ye,” he added, shaking his fist.

Abigail Washburn and Bela Fleck, accompanied here by two courtiers, prepare for the historic wedding.

NASHVILLE — After lengthy negotiations between their two camps, banjoists Bela Fleck and Abigail Washburn have agreed to marry one another, advancing their long campaign to unify the progressive and old-time banjo empires under a single sovereign ruler.

The carefully calculated union aims to create one insurmountable banjo juggernaut whose historic domain will span old-time, bluegrass, jazz, fusion, European classical, African and Chinese styles.

While strategic considerations were clearly primary, sources close to Fleck and Ms. Washburn also indicate that the future bride and groom “barely detest each other at all,” which may have facilitated the negotiations somewhat.

“Historically that factor has also been relevant to the viability of such arranged marriages of power,” said a K. Scharf, a Yale historian.

Fleck, the King of Progressive Banjo, dominates a vast empire encompassing most genres of banjo music.  But he has always stopped short of mounting a full-fledged conquest of old-time territories.

Ms. Washburn, the renowned Duchess of Old-Time Banjo and Song, offers a peaceful way to fill in the gap.

For her own part, Ms. Washburn has tirelessly sought to expand her domain beyond old-time music, executing successful ventures into modern areas such as improvised music and electronica.

She has even gone so far as to achieve fluency in Chinese, establishing primacy in a vast region long considered unconquerable by banjo players.

“That move required tremendous foresight, coming as it did before the global financial collapse, and it speaks to Abby’s impressive capacity for long term strategic planning,” said Riley Baugus, an old-time musician.

According to aides close to both parties, the marriage offers the prospect of a male heir who would carry on the Fleck-Washburn banjo empire into future generations, securing a legacy of greatness.

Said fiddler Casey Driessen, “Three words: Holy. Banjo. Emperor.”

The epic victory of hair over nature stunned even the most avid fans of the Del McCoury Band.

CUMBERLAND, MD — On Saturday, an unfortunate combination of gale force wind, torrential rain, powerful lightning, and crushing downfalls of hail rocked DelFest, the popular musical event hosted by the Del McCoury Band.

Importantly, the relentless onslaught of life-threatening weather was not sufficient to disturb the hair of anyone in the McCoury family.

International hair experts are at a loss to explain how a human hairstyle might possibly resist such extreme environmental challenges, and several music historians have confessed to downright awe.

“I expect this episode to easily elevate Del McCoury’s status from legendary to supernatural,” said Dr. R. Hicks, a specialist in bluegrass mythology.

The Del McCoury Band’s hair, long famous for its eternal ultimate perfection and glorious splendor, likely derives from a dominant genetic element, as it is shared by Del’s sons Ronnie and Robbie, both of whom play in the band.

Interestingly, the group’s fiddler Jason Carter, who is not descended from a McCoury, has somehow managed to achieve a similar style, perhaps by gene therapy and a rigorous application of specially formulated chemical products.

“Let’s just say it’s a trade secret,” said Carter.

But even the McCourys’ most ardent admirers were shocked by the epic triumph of hair versus nature.

“At the height of the storm, when hail was shattering car windows and the winds were literally ripping the sides off industrial buildings, I looked off into the distance and I saw the whole McCoury Band with my own eyes.  Their hair was f—king perfect,” said Kimber Ludiker, fiddler in the band the Broken Blossoms.

Indeed, multiple eyewitnesses have confirmed the details of this episode, which was also caught by a documentary film crew.

“We have captured on film the greatest moment in the history of bluegrass hair, and we didn’t even plan to,” said one of the cameramen.

The decision against Sutton cited his solo's "undeniable appeal to man’s basest instincts”, stating that the average listener feels “soiled, depleted, and deeply ashamed at having enjoyed it."

WASHINGTON, DC — The Roberts Court today ruled against former Kentucky Thunder guitarist Bryan Sutton, declaring his extended solo on “Get Up, John” from Merlefest 1998 to be obscene and gratuitous to an extent not protected by constitutional First Amendment free speech provisions.

The 6-3 decision ended a bitter and very prolonged legal battle between Sutton and the United States Justice Department. It also marked an important step in the high court’s efforts to more broadly define pornographic expression, a historically vague and problematic legal issue.

Over the past several years, federal courts have steadily moved toward a more inclusive definition of obscenity, and the landmark ruling in United States v. Sutton is notable for considering instrumental music as pornography for the first time ever.

According to the majority decision, Sutton’s performance displayed “striking nonconformance with accepted standards of morality,” and the flagrant solo “clearly aimed to incite lust in the average person by appealing to prurient interests rather than serious artistic, political or scientific ones.”

In a closed-door session, the nine justices reviewed audio recordings of the solo along with video footage.

Justice Roberts, writing for the court, condemned the music’s “undeniable appeal to man’s basest instincts” and he stated that it left the average person feeling “soiled, depleted, and deeply ashamed for having enjoyed it.”

Interestingly, in cases involving live performance, the law typically applies an extremely stringent de minimis standard, and legal scholars agree that the live, public nature of Sutton’s activities did contribute to their being defined as pornographic.

Justice Ginsberg, in her dissenting opinion, eloquently and passionately warned of the dangers inherent what she called “such an arbitrary broadening of restrictions on the free speech.”

And the American Civil Liberties Union has already issued a strongly worded statement criticizing the decision as unduly restrictive of fundamental American freedoms.

Sutton himself, while reportedly dismayed with the court’s decision, has long since matured into a family man whose more restrained playing now rarely reaches the standard established by the court.

But a statement issued by Sutton’s primary attorney did warn young guitarists to limit their own excesses rather than face censorship and even possibly prison time.

Meanwhile, some expressed concerns about the decision’s implications for the country as a whole.

“OK, sure, that solo is way over the top, but more and more often it seems like the Supreme Court is just totally detached from all reality in this country,” said Earl Merrill, a law student from Boston.

Curtis Burch, a founder of the New Grass Revival, was one of the first bluegrass stars to achieve the celebrity milestone of living full-time in a hotel.

LOUISVILLE, KY — With an astonishing combination of digital age savvy and gangsteresque boldness, Texas event producer Bradford Shifflette has pulled off a plan that radically redefines the entire enterprise of bluegrass concert promotion.

Even his detractors, who have expressed some concern about Shifflette’s “appalling lack of shame” and “very, very low integrity,” are hailing his latest feat as an ingenious and totally original coup de grace.

Shifflette, who claims to be promoting a concert for the fortieth anniversary of the historic Bluegrass Hotel, has staged the supposed abduction of former New Grass Revival guitarist Curtis Burch and is using it as leverage against numerous celebrities.

The Bluegrass Hotel was a Kentucky boarding house that in the 1970’s hosted a string of bluegrass luminaries such as Tony Rice, Ricky Skaggs, Vince Gill, Sam Bush, Curtis Burch and JD Crowe.

These stars were the first bluegrassers to achieve the celebrity milestone of living full-time in a hotel.

“Bob Dylan, Keith Richards, Little Richard and countless other rock and roll icons have all lived in hotels,” said bluegrass historian Dr. K. Landreth.

“Granted, this wasn’t the Crowne Plaza, but it was still critical in modernizing the whole concept of bluegrass stardom,” he continued.

Sometime several months ago, Shifflette assumed Burch’s identity, sending a highly-believable, carefully-crafted series of digital communications falsified using Burch’s name.

This was the first step in an elaborate plot that culminated with Shifflette’s abduction of himself at gunpoint from a Dobro jam in Texas.

“I’m confused.  How is that even barely possible?” said one bewildered music fan.

Shifflette, who now claims to be holding Burch for ransom, has made a wide range of demands associated with the Bluegrass Hotel concert.

But beyond the fact that Shifflette has not actually kidnapped anyone, there is another twist.

“This is not a revenue-producing event,” said Shifflette, “this is a benefit for the American Humane Society.”

“What the hell?” said one bluegrass superstar who preferred to remain anonymous. “I’d like to take a stand against the kidnapping of Curtis, but I can’t have everyone thinking I favor cruelty to helpless animals.”

“Shifflette’s got me in checkmate, so I guess I’ll just pay him and do his concert or whatever,” he added.

The original Bluegrass Hotel anniversary concert, which was promoted by an allegedly different individual, failed to take place after a highly publicized debacle in which several top stars very understandably withdrew. They cited, among other things, shady business practices and vague, unverifiable contracts.

According to Sam Bush’s publicist, “after extensive consultation with legal council, Sam reluctantly decided he could not go forth in such a manner of chaos and liability.”

Notably, that incident marked the first occasion on which a bluegrass musician had ever turned down a performance opportunity simply because it involved chaos and liability.

In an effort to increase her old-time credibility, Rayna Gellert will start at step twelve and work backwards until she has an uncontrollable drinking problem, which she will then deny.

LEXINGTON, KY — Fiddler, singer, and longtime teetotaler Rayna Gellert has about-faced, and she is taking an innovative and methodical approach to becoming a raging alcoholic and old-fashioned moonshine addict.

“My final goal is an uncontrollable problem, immense harm to my loved ones and coworkers, and a total repudiation of God, as I understand Him,” said Gellert.

“And of course, moonshine,” she added.

Gellert, who now enjoys spiritual enlightenment as well as a stable and productive life, announced her plan in response to criticism that her life has diverged too far from the dark folkloric subjects she addresses in her music.

According to critics, the evenness of her personality has become so striking that it now threatens her artistic credibility and limits her potential for mainstream success.

“It’s a long hard road to excessive drinking and misbehavior from where Rayna is starting out,” said Gellert’s sponsor, a musician and fellow Indiana native who goes by the name Uncle Daddy.

“You can do it, baby,” he added.

“The twelve steps provide well-established, clearly defined, attainable goals and logically they do work in reverse,” he continued.

The traditional twelve-step method promotes recovery from various forms of addiction, and the steps are typically executed in order from step one to step twelve.

Gellert, who has simply reversed the process, will begin at step twelve and work backwards.

First, she will experience the exact opposite of a spiritual awakening, suddenly stopping to spread goodwill and assistance to those who need it.Then, she will forever cease all prayer and meditation that might improve her conscious contact with God.

Having totally lost all knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out, Gellert will then make a personal inventory of her future moral shortcomings.

“And that’s only the third step,” said Gellert.

She will then start to make direct damage to other people whenever possible, except when to do so would help them or others in any way.

In the next step, she will make a list of all persons she intends to callously harm, and after getting drunk and inflicting that harm, she will destroy the list.

She will proceed by arrogantly demanding that God Almighty bestow numerous additional shortcomings upon her, regardless of whether she is ready to embrace all these defects of character.

She will then deny to God, herself, and other human beings the exact nature of her wrongs.

In the tenth step, Gellert will make the conscious decision to reclaim her will and life from the care of God, as she understands Him.

She will then come to believe that no power greater than herself can restore her to insanity, and believing this, Gellert will set up a moonshine still and continue drinking heavily.

Finally, she will deny that she is powerless against alcohol and that her life has become unmanageable, and she will enter a brief but exciting period of self-destruction and reduced productivity.

“I know Rayna, and this is not going to be easy for her.  But with small enough steps and all of our support, hopefully she can do it,” said J.P. Jones, a mandolin player and supportive fan.