Winston the man and his attire have gone unchanged in the face of tremendous success and even the occasional critic's gibes.

In a truly startling decision, British GQ Magazine has named Winston the sixth worst dressed man of 2012.

“Which is awfully unfair because they’re talking about the whole entire world,” said Emma Beaton, a fashion consultant and Mumford and Sons fan.

“I don’t even think he’s the worst dressed man in England,” said Beaton, who is mostly Scottish.

American rapper Chris Brown took home the full notoriety of GQ’s #1 Worst Dressed Man in The World award, defeating Winston and various other Brits for obvious reasons.

“No doubt,” said Sam Leslie, an American guitarist.

“Whatever. Winston’s f**king hot,” said one anonymous female supporter, herself a celebrated folksinger.

Mumford and Sons’s debut album Sigh No More has gone platinum at least 14 times worldwide, an unprecedented and encouraging feat for a recording on which one can clearly a hear banjo.

Yet despite the tremendous success and the inevitable critics’ gibes, Winston the man and his attire have stood unchanged.

“He pretty much just lives in London with his mates, same as he ever has,” testified one source close to the star.

“All the cut-off jean shorts, yellow mesh caps, questionable footwear and very, very old socks that helped define the Country Winston style during the early years of Mumford and Sons are still there,” explained Beaton.

Along with the humble Great British charm, of course.

Ironically, Winston is quite well dressed compared to many American folkstars below the radar of British GQ Magazine. This is an actual photograph of an American musician.

Ironically, Winston is extremely well dressed compared to many American folk musicians safely below the radar of GQ Magazine.

One noteworthy sighting in the USA documented a banjo player wearing a superoversized tie-dye T-shirt in conjunction with tribalesque African pants, accented with neon Chacos and finished off with some sort of miniature neck scarf, no two items of which even barely matched.

“And I feel like that’s perfectly ordinary at Rockygrass, actually,” said Gina Leslie, an eyewitness with training in design.

“Fair enough, one can’t really compete with the banjo players in the States,” said Winston.

“It’s fine, I’ll just be crossing over to electric punk-pop now,” he added with a smile.

Grisman’s glorious grey beard, transcendent aura, and mandolin wizardry have earned him a place in the California music pantheon. He often appears to be shrouded in smoke.

In recent private ceremonies in California, legendary mandolinist David Grisman reportedly commemorated the changing of the musical guard by issuing forth a real flaming torch that he symbolically passed to various budding stars.

“It just seemed like a good time to pass this torch, man,” said Grisman.

Chris Eldridge, an impressive guitarist, described the recent rite of passage.

“I kinda couldn’t believe my eyes. I had never seen anything quite that big on fire before,” said Eldridge, who is not from the West Coast.

“There was smoke everywhere. My lungs were burning so bad I wondered if they were actually maybe on fire,” said mandolin prodigy Dominick Leslie, a rising star.

“It was quite an honor,” he added.

Grisman’s glorious grey beard, transcendent aura, and mandolin wizardry have earned him favorable comparisons to Gandalf the Grey. He often appears to be shrouded in smoke when viewed by the naked eye.

Importantly, Grisman was the first musician to achieve mainstream renown for non-bluegrass music played on traditional American instruments, and his success ushered in waves of new acoustic instrumentalists.

“Grisman (affectionately nicknamed “Dawg” by Jerry Garcia) embodies and brings the spirit of soul-jam to his shows, a spirit unique to him and few peers, like Garcia,” wrote High Times Magazine in a recent five-star concert review.

Meanwhile in upstate New York, celebrated banjo innovator Bill Keith (b. 1939) has gone to similar lengths as Grisman, even holding an annual torch-passing ritual in a historical tipi (also called a tepee, or teepee).

Keith’s totally original, groundbreaking musical style forms the basis of modern banjo playing, and he is the most highly emulated banjoist after Earl Scruggs. He is also important for developing special banjo tuning pegs (Keith tuners) and ghostwriting Scruggs’s banjo instructional book.

Bill Keith, the most important banjoist since Earl Scruggs, holds annual ceremonies within his bluegrass festival tipi.

Keith’s tipi is a landmark at numerous bluegrass festivals, most notably the Grey Fox Bluegrass Festival in Oak Hill, NY, where he tells stories and democratically passes a torch (a real flaming object), giving his blessings to countless aspiring musicians.

“It’s usually at night but very regularly during the day, and often in the morning if weather permits,” said Stash Wyslouch, 24.

“And almost always at twilight, frequently at midday, and generally again around sunset,” added Wyslouch.

“I accept this sacred honor,” said Eric Robertson, a mandolinist and singer.

“I have no idea what any of you are talking about,” remarked Keith, who does not view himself as gifted.

The very same musical excursion that lasted a brief instant for Steve Roy (mandolin) and David Surette (guitar) actually elapsed over the course of nearly five minutes for those observing from terrestrial vantage points.

PORTSMOUTH, NH — During a set of Grateful Dead covers last night, Steve Roy and David Surette experienced the phenomenon of relativistic time dilation, with both jammers becoming lost at high-velocity in the un-navigable reaches of outer space before eventually returning to Earth, a planet where far more time had passed.

“It was a classic space jam,” said Lina Tullgren, a stationary observer positioned at a table in the audience at the Dolphin Striker restaurant.

A space jam, (not to be confused with the 1996 movie of the same name starring Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny) is a free collaborative musical endeavor that appears to non-participating listeners to be composed of haphazardly paced constellations of random notes, often separated by vast amounts of space or silence.

Roy’s and Surette’s duo, now called Grateful Times, uses just a guitar and mandolin to recreate the magical, jam-oriented arrangements of the entire classic Grateful Dead band.  Both men sing.

“The song was ‘Big Boss Man’, I think.  Key of D.  The crowd was pretty chill, definitely onboard with the whole Dead thing,” said a second observer, also named Tullgren.

After the third verse, a subsequent instrumental exploration left the Earth’s orbit almost immediately. The jam soon expelled both musicians deep into space where they traveled together at maximum speeds, no longer subject to the gravitational influence of the solar system or even the immediate galactic surroundings, including the three nearest stars of Alpha and Proxima Centauri.

“Parallax navigation becomes extremely difficult, if not impossible when the jam is that far out in space.  The distances are simply too great,” said John Mailander, a student at the Berklee College of Music.

“It’s hard to find your way back to where you started,” he added.

Indeed, many concertgoers believed the duo would be lost in space forevermore, or at least until the end of the concert at 10pm.

According to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, time itself operates differently for entities moving at different velocities.  Time appears to pass more slowly for fast moving bodies when they are observed from a fixed point of reference.

Such effects increase dramatically as the motion differential approaches the speed of light.

“Very simply, temporal dilation is the disparity in elapsed time between two events seen by observers either moving relative to each other or differently situated from gravitational masses,” said Dr. B. Vituos, an MIT professor of introductory physics who specializes in explaining difficult concepts in plain English.

Because Roy and Surette were not moving relative to one another, they experienced their own musical excursion at an ordinary, uniform tempo. However, the rapid, unpredictable motion of the entire jam itself through the cosmos made time appear to pass very slowly and erratically for Surette and Roy (to those watching from Earth.)

“Yes, definitely,” said L. Tullgren.

Amazingly, the same jam that lasted just a brief instant for Surette and Roy actually elapsed over the course of nearly five minutes to those observing from Earth.

“We really fell into the quarry on that one,” said Roy.

“Basically, we ended up flying through a total vacuum at close to the speed of light, with no clear way back to Earth.  It’s a miracle we made it home,” said Surette.

“Grateful times,” added Roy.

Sociological research indicates that unemployed and underemployed men who play guitar are significantly more satisfied with a life of poverty than their guitar-less counterparts.

WASHINGTON, DC — In the face of a never-ending employment crisis, a weak economic recovery and intractable Republican opposition to almost all legislation of any kind, the Obama Administration is developing bold new initiatives aimed at improving quality of life for the nations jobless masses.

One current proposal that specifically targets young adults coincides with the revelation that one in two recent US college graduates are either unemployed or underemployed.

According to White House sources, the president will soon unveil the United States Acoustic Guitar Initiative (USAGI), a program offering tax credits for acoustic guitars and federally sponsored guitar training for unemployed young men.

“Putting people back to work is still our ultimate goal, but even in the best-case scenario we’re looking at many more years of record unemployment,” said a source within the Department of Labor (DOL).

Indeed, experts are describing the program as a creative and politically realistic stopgap measure aimed at easing the nation’s unemployment problem without actually creating jobs.

“To a good guitarist, food, shelter, clothing, and personal health are not just secondary, they are almost irrelevant,” said Jordan Tice, an expert.

“These young men happily survive on nothing but their own dreams of grandeur,” he added.

Conclusively, sociological research indicates that unemployed and underemployed men who play guitar are significantly more satisfied with a life of poverty than their guitar-less counterparts.

“Sweet. I think some of my old roommates were mentioned in that study, ” said Peter Hamre, a young man who recently found work on a fishing boat off the Aleutian Islands in the frigid North Pacific.

Sources close to the White House now indicate that prolific guitarist and educator Steve Kaufman will likely be tapped as the first head of USAGI.

“Given his body of work, he is the clear frontrunner at this point,” said a confidential DOL source.

Kaufman’s catalog of instructional materials, videos and CDs is astonishingly vast, numbering close to a hundred. And his annual Kaufman Kamps are internationally-known and respected as the industry standard for a regimented, results-oriented approach to music.

Yet some critics are already speaking out against USAGI, alleging that it fails to address the primary structural economic problems facing our country.

“Giving everybody and their brother an acoustic guitar? That’s really the plan, people? Is this a joke?” said Kate Carlsberg, who really was not sure if USAGI was a joke.

“Programs like USAGI only feed the delusion that everything is OK,” said R. Rosenberg, a Harvard Law graduate and expert on Karl Marx.

“You know, the great author John Steinbeck once said, ‘Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires,’” Rosenberg continued.

“And if we want to keep socialism out of these great United States, this mindset is more important than ever before,” replied Tice.

In addition to a healthy diet, these animals enjoy ample personal space, clean, uncramped sleeping quarters, and numerous other basic provisions typically unavailable to human musicians on tour.

BOSTON, MA —Whole Foods has recently adopted an animal welfare rating system for its beef, pork, and chicken products, and the national chain is touting what it calls a new level of transparency in how farm animals are raised.

As many folk musicians know, meat sold in Whole Foods stores is now labeled with color-coded stickers indicating the source farm’s score on a five-tiered animal agriculture scale.

According to the Global Animal Partnership, the independent auditing agency that assigns the grades, even achieving the lowest rating of 1 still requires that an animal be raised on a strict vegetarian diet devoid of antibiotics and additional chemicals.

“It’s really important to note that getting to Step 1 is a huge accomplishment in the [meat] industry!” wrote an enthusiastic Theo Weening of the Whole Foods blog.

“In the music industry, very few, if any, human touring professionals make it to Step 1,” noted T. Galpin, a recent music school graduate.

“I’d be disqualified for exposure to large amounts of caffeine, penicillin, pesticidal bug spray, automobile exhaust, very questionable keg beer, secondhand smoke, firsthand smoke, methyl anthrinilate, Early Times, so much processed meat, generic suntan lotion from China, Diet Mountain Dew, that kind of thing. And of course, the occasional psychedelic,” said Galpin.

“Oh yeah, and lead, copper, zinc and arsenic, which do pop up in moonshine from time to time,” he added.

In addition to a proper diet, animals raised to Step 1 must have personal space in which to move around and stretch their legs, a baseline requirement for animal comfort.

“Well, I fly coach pretty much constantly. Or worse — drive. Once my band drove 1000 miles straight with five guys in a Honda Accord,” commented M. Barnett, a touring fiddle player.

“Pretty sure that day alone would disqualify all of us from ever getting certified Step 1,” said bandmate D. Leslie.

Barnett, whose parents are both doctors, recently purchased two pounds of grass-fed ground beef rated at Step 2.

Step 2 animals must be provided with additional daily enrichments that encourage behavior that is natural to them. For example, a pig may be provided with a bowling ball to push around.

Interestingly, Barnett has gone bowling only three times in the last year.

“For this individual to be eating such high quality cheeseburger meat is, quite frankly, a puzzling reversal of the entire food chain,” said E. Ford, a biologist.

Although a few critics have blasted the Whole Foods rating system as yet another ploy to overcharge wealthy consumers for perceived peace of mind, most animal rights activists still concentrate their fire on the appalling factory farms that produce most of the meat in the USA.

According to the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), factory-farmed animals are typically made to sleep in “tiny, filthy, jam-packed areas, often with so little space that they can’t even turn around or lie down comfortably.”

“Dude, on tour I routinely share one single bed with like two of my bandmates. We have to sleep in shifts,” said M. Calabrese, a folk songwriter.

“Just the other day I slept on a hardwood floor under a table in a 10’ by 12’ room with five other people, and that was the nicest place I stayed all week,” said Calabrese.

“By far,” he added, shuddering slightly.

PETA goes on to describe livestock “completely deprived of exercise so that all their bodies’ energy goes toward producing flesh, eggs, or milk for human consumption.”

“Substitute the word ‘music’ for ‘flesh, eggs or milk’ and you might as well be talking about being on tour,” said Barnett.

And according to PETA, factory farmed animals are “routinely fed drugs to keep them alive in conditions that could otherwise kill them.”

“Kind of like touring in Denmark,” said B. Kearney, whose band Joy Kills Sorrow recently performed a Danish show without its road-sickened lead singer.

Meanwhile, back at Whole Foods the animal welfare ratings extend all the way up to Step 5+, certifying celebrity animals that are born and live their entire lives on only one single farm, completely unharmed by human hands.

“It’s been a hundred years or more since a folk musician made it anywhere near Step 5+,” said Galpin.

Despite countless technical achievements, the problem of how to make progressive banjo playing less earnest and more ironic had thwarted banjoists for years.

TELLURIDE, CO — As progressive banjo players continued their race towards the most innovative style, one picker’s achievement stood alone this year as the most significant artistic and musical advance in all of banjo playing.

Scholars agree that Noam Pikelny’s performance at the 2009 Telluride Bluegrass Festival marked a milestone in modern banjo and established a new paradigm for artistic innovation in acoustic music.

During Punch Brothers’ highly anticipated “Play and Sing Bluegrass” set, Pikelny played flawlessly in a variety of styles but did so with long sideburns and a highly ironic moustache styled after many well-known players’ of the 1970’s.

Critics and fans immediately agreed that Pikelny’s facial hair constituted a breakthrough tour-de-force in musical sarcasm.

For the past ten years, banjo players have struggled with how to achieve 21st century “superirony” through progressive banjo playing.

Despite countless advances affecting fingerings, tunings, tone, amplification, and harmony, the problem of how to make progressive banjo playing less earnest and more sardonic has repeatedly thwarted banjoists.

“I don’t get it. You’d think these guys were working on Sputnik or something,” said M. Murray, a rock music fan.

Indeed, banjo players have historically sought technical solutions to musical problems, an approach which worked well for most of the last century.

Luminaries such as Earl Scruggs, Don Reno, Bill Keith, and Bela Fleck all founded influential music careers on their development of pioneering new techniques.

“Those days are over. Novelty is no longer quite such an important force behind major musical achievements,” said Dr. Sherwood Harman, a pop musicologist.

“As Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Usher, the Arctic Monkeys, Britney Spears, OutKast, the White Stripes, and countless indie bands have demonstrated: the greatest artistic innovation of the ‘00’s has been to unapologetically borrow and recombine preexisting styles, but mix in a shit-ton of irony,” he continued.

“Do you mean like Kanye West’s space odyssey?” asked one student.

“No, actually, that was serious,” responded Dr. Harman.

On the final night of Telluride, Fleck joined Pikelny and the rest of Punch Brothers on stage at the Sheridan Opera House, and the expanded group reprised Fleck’s modern bluegrass classic “See Rock City”.

Even skeptics of progressive bluegrass acknowledged Pikelny's unique and highly effective approach.

“But instead of taking a banjo break when his turn came around, Noam just let the audience consider his moustache for like a minute-and-a-half,” recalled E. Helmers, a banjo player in the audience.

Although Fleck played a creative and engaging solo over his own composition, his playing lacked the utter freshness and originality of Pikelny’s moustache solo.

Even skeptics of progressive bluegrass acknowledged Pikelny’s totally unique and highly effective approach.

“Punch Brothers are my new favorite band,” said C. DiMario, who is uncommonly skeptical of most things.

Over the course of the concert, Pikelny brought his moustache to bear on everything from note-for-note Radiohead covers to ultra-traditional bluegrass banjo breaks.

“Noam has just brought progressive banjo playing into the new decade,” said Helmers.

MARIETTA, GA — The United States’ practice of torturing detainees and prisoners of war with prolonged exposure to unbearably loud music at Guantanamo Bay and other ‘black sites’ has provoked strong reactions of outrage and concern within the music industry.

But within the world of bluegrass several professionals are expressing support for the use of music in the War on Terror, arguing that very loud music is both legal and highly effective as a tool of interrogation.

Sources close to the band Mountain Heart indicate that the renowned group is urgently striving to play faster, harder, and louder than ever before in hopes that its music help win the war on terror.

“The revelation of music torture or, ‘torture lite’, was a real call-to-arms for these guys,” said a friend of the band.

Music experts agree that Mountain Heart is the only bluegrass band with the skills, intensity, and patriotic fervor to make music significantly more effective than what the US government already uses on prisoners.

“They could make Deicide’s ‘F**k Your God’ seem like a pretty little lullaby,” said bluegrass documentarian M. Miado.

“Back in simpler times, State would send American musicians to perform overseas to promote peace, cultural harmony, and a positive perception of the US, ” said an anonymous State Department official.

The music of Mountain Heart has always been characterized by an unyielding display of power, American passion, and complete dominance over the listener and other bluegrass ensembles.

“The tragic events of 9/11 exposed that strategy as so much hippie bullshit, so we’ve adopted a new, wartime application for music in the field,” he added.

One Guantanamo interrogator estimated that excruciatingly loud, repetitive music interspersed with blinding flashes of strobe light could ‘break’ a detainee in just four days.

“Four days is too long when lives hang in the balance,” said one Mountain Heart member. “If we need actionable intelligence we need it NOW.”

The music of Mountain Heart, which to this point has been geared toward audience enjoyment, has nonetheless been characterized by an unyielding display of power, American passion, and complete dominance over the listener and other bluegrass ensembles.

Indeed, medical experts caution that enjoying the music of Mountain Heart for more than two consecutive hours causes a sensory over-stimulation that may result in permanent desensitization to normal human experiences.

“It’s the closest thing the bluegrass fan has to smoking crack,” said J. Harper, an enthusiast.

Meanwhile, numerous pop stars including members of Rage Against the Machine, Pearl Jam, and REM have recently invoked the Freedom of Information Act to force the CIA and FBI to release the names of songs used in their prisoner interrogations.

Among other things, these stars allege that the CIA is using music to “humiliate, terrify, punish, disorient and deprive detainees of sleep, in violation of international law.”

“Dude, Mountain Heart is gonna be all over this,” added Harper.

Like band leader Rushad Eggleston, Rodman's exhibitionist flair, fearless antics, and high profile love affairs have piqued public interest for years.

OAKLAND, CA — Rushad Eggleston, the exceptionally flamboyant cellist and front man of the one-of-a-kind cello rock band Tornado Rider, intends to expand his group with the addition of celebrity bad boy and former basketball star Dennis Rodman.

Rodman will join Graham Terry, electric bass and Scott Manke, drums.

“We were looking for someone who could bring a lot of hustle, energy and stage presence to the Tornado Rider team,” said the band’s manager.

“Rodman brings all those things plus an unparalleled experience with public antics, cross-dressing, tattoos, and sexually transmitted infections,” he added.

Rock critics have hailed Tornado Rider as “the most astonishing expression of pure id ever achieved with a cello.”

Eggleston, who sings and wears his instrument on a guitar strap, performs with an acrobatic flair, leaping off walls, diving into crowds, even spinning around on his back without missing a note.

Eggleston revolutionized folk and improvisational cello music when he hit the acoustic scene in 2001 with his highly original musical style, and he soon achieved renown performing with Crooked Still, the Fiddlers 4 and countless others.

He also achieved some infamy resulting from his ebullient personality, shocking and revealing costumes, fearless jumps from high stages, and willingness to say inappropriate words such as “vagina.”

In 2008, he left acoustic music to focus his own efforts on heavily amplified cello rock backed by drums and electric bass.

Dennis Rodman’s notorious exhibitionism has often overshadowed his professional achievements, which include five NBA championship titles, numerous rebounding records, two Defensive Player of the Year awards, and likely induction into the Hall of Fame.

His equally legendary career of misbehavior has included high profile affairs with Madonna and Carmen Electra, countless run-ins with the law, naked photo shoots and periodic tell-all autobiographies.

Once he even attempted to marry himself dressed in a white wedding gown, likely as a publicity stunt.

Since leaving basketball Rodman has taken part in pro wrestling bouts, movies, and reality television shows, and he even completed a stint as commissioner of something called the Lingerie Football League.

Many people unfamiliar with the Tornado Rider Band have expressed concern that Rodman, ostensibly a backup performer, may distract audiences from Eggleston, the focal point of the group.

“I really don’t think that will be a problem,” said Eggleston’s manager. “My boy can play the most ripping cello solo in the world while hanging upside down half naked from the rafters and screaming about bisons or some crazy s—t,” he continued.

“Yeah it’s true, I was there,” said J. McConnell, guitarist.

Impressively, McPeake’s smell and taste test was able to pinpoint the banjo’s origin to a specific 1933 lot and serial number.

MT. JULIET, TN— Vintage banjo expert Curtis McPeake has awed the banjo world and fortified his own legend by successfully validating the origin of a pre-World War II Gibson Mastertone flathead based on smell and taste alone.

“I found this banjo in my grandpa’s attic after he passed on, and everyone told me that Curtis McPeake would be the world’s best guy to appraise it,” said the banjo’s owner, a Michigan native.

“Absolutely nobody else in the world has this level of familiarity with pre-war banjos. His appraisals are definitive, but I must admit there’s a certain element of mystery there,” said R. Smith, a Tennessee instrument maker.

Vintage Gibson banjos sometimes consist of nonstandard combinations of easily interchangeable parts that are notoriously difficult to verify. And in recent years high market values have driven ever more sophisticated forgeries.

McPeake customizes his appraisal regimen based on the exact attributes of each banjo, and much of his credibility derives from the intangible expertise gained by possessing and playing so many vintage Gibsons over the course of his lifetime.

During his analysis of the banjo, McPeake first removed the bronze tone ring from the pot of the instrument, briefly caressed it and smelled its entire perimeter several times.

“Then he licked it pretty extensively, like a lollipop,” said the banjo’s owner.

Within thirty minutes, McPeake had completed his written appraisal of the instrument, which is now for sale on consignment at cmcpeake.com for $85,000 or best offer.

“Yup, it’s the real McCoy,” said McPeake.

Impressively, McPeake’s smell and taste test was able to pinpoint the banjo’s origin to a specific 1933 lot and serial number.

“RB-3, 9469-6,” said McPeake.

However, some skeptics in the banjo community have quietly expressed concerns about the methods employed by McPeake and others.

“McPeake seriously licked a pre-war ring like a lollipop?” said Noam Pikelny, a pre-war banjo owner. “I find all of this very hard to believe.”

After an initial euphoria, fiddle abuse can cause vomiting, confusion, seizures, prolonged stupor, discolored skin, unconsciousness and anterograde amnesia.

MT. AIRY, NC— Public health officials, who only recently classified fiddle music as a bona fide intoxicant, now warn of a possible epidemic of fiddle abuse threatening American youths and young adults.

Alarmingly, the annual number of Americans seeking hospitalization for fiddle poisoning has more than doubled since 2003, increasing from 1,239 to 2,805.

Fiddle poisoning is a serious and potentially deadly consequence of an acute, massive overdose of fiddle music, achieved either through playing, listening or both.

Symptoms range in severity from simple vomiting and confusion to seizures, prolonged stupor, discolored skin, low body temperature, unconsciousness and anterograde amnesia, also known as “blacking out”.

According to CDC statistics, teenagers who start fiddling regularly before the age of 15 have a four-fold risk of developing a fiddle dependency, and a nine-fold risk of experiencing fiddle poisoning at least once in their lives.

And withdrawal from a severe fiddle dependency can cause a variety of health problems including convulsions, cardiac arrhythmia, and even highly specific brain damage resulting from neural apoptosis.

“It’s true. I couldn’t stop this s—t if I wanted to,” said fiddler Matt Brown.

"Excessive fiddling is so often accompanied by drastic alcohol consumption and sleep deprivation that it becomes almost impossible to measure the effects of fiddle abuse alone," said one skeptic.

For years, anecdotal evidence has suggested that binge fiddling at music festivals was approaching epidemic proportions.

“Yeah, I definitely saw some college-age fiddler barfing in the woods that second night of Clifftop last year, very likely because of fiddle poisoning,” said Eric Frey of the Red Stick Ramblers.

“Of course, that could have just been because some guy with a beard had just lectured her on his theory of the modes,” said C. Scoggins, another festivalgoer.

Fiddler Earl Merle, who attended last weekend’s Mt. Airy Fiddlers Convention in North Carolina, responded to an Intelligencer query about whether he had seen anyone at the event vomit from a fiddle overdose.

“Uh, just me. But that’s hardly news,” said Merle.

The problem of fiddle abuse has been worsening in other countries as well. After April’s Shetland Folk Festival in Scotland, almost a dozen people sought medical treatment for fiddle overdose.

“Everyone on that entire island plays fiddle. Constantly. And the festival lasts twenty-four hours a day for almost a week,” said cellist Rushad Eggleston, who barely survived severe fiddle poisoning after his 2006 appearance at the festival.

“I’m frankly surprised the casualty rate stays so low,” he said.

But despite a solid consensus within the medical community, some question the conclusion that fiddling in-and-of-itself constitutes a health hazard.

“Excessive fiddling is so often accompanied by drastic alcohol consumption and sleep deprivation that it becomes almost impossible to measure the effects of fiddle abuse alone,” said Greg Liszt, a retired scientist who attends fiddle conventions in his spare time.

“I don’t even really believe in alcohol poisoning, let alone this rubbish about toxic fiddle,” said chemist and banjo player Dr. E. Coyne, an Irishman.

“Come here I’ll sort ye,” he added, shaking his fist.