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September 22, 2008

Jim Mills Disappears in African Jungle Hunting Legendary Prewar Banjo

Jim Mills, seen here preparing for his last great banjo hunt, has recently disappeared deep in the Congolese wilderness.

Jim Mills, seen here preparing for his last great banjo hunt, has recently disappeared deep in the Congolese wilderness.

AFRICA — Jimmy Mills, renowned prewar instrument expert and banjo star of Ricky Skaggs and Kentucky Thunder, has lost all contact with the outside world and vanished somewhere deep in the former Belgian Congo.
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Punch Brothers Compose Ambitious New Piece

Goal: To Fully Alienate All Traditionalists Regardless of Age, Nationality, Creed

A candid shot of PUnch Brothers relaxing after a hard day of composing.

A candid shot caught Punch Brothers relaxing after a hard day of composing.

NEW YORK — Punch Brothers, hot young pioneers of through-composed music for bluegrass instruments, have begun work on their most ambitious piece so far.

The band, which features Chris Thile on mandolin and vocals, will build upon the vast achievements of its previous 40-minute suite, “The Blind Leaving the Blind”, this time employing even more advanced compositional tools towards a singular objective: to estrange every single traditional bluegrass enthusiast without exception.

“We will not come up short this time,” said Thile.

“We came so close with the Piece, but we’re a much more fully realized ensemble now than we were back then.”
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Olympic Officials of Communist China Hail Driessen’s Red Shoes as “Glorious” and “Very Respectful”

Casey Driessen, along with Bela Fleck and Abigail Washburn, appears in a Chinese propaganda broadcast featuring the fiddler’s red shoes. The trio performs a traditional Chinese folk song about Communist footwear.

BEIJING — The 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing concluded on August 24 with a stunning final ceremony, once-and-for-all surviving the series of misunderstandings and minor episodes that had often threatened to derail China’s momentous hosting efforts.

Throughout the games, Olympic athletes, trainers, fans, entertainers and statesmen from all over the world struggled to adjust to Chinese mores, often deeply offending a rigid host government determined to achieve a suitable level of respect for its vast labors.
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Gary Paczosa Finally Scores

Multiple Grammy-winner stuns music world by scoring with ease

Gary Paczosa has added a new element to his diverse portfolio: scoring.

Very reliable sources indicate that Gary Paczosa, renowned engineer and producer, has finally started scoring.

NASHVILLE — Gary Paczosa, the Grammy-award winning sound engineer, producer, and head A&R representative for Sugar Hill Records in Nashville, TN, has added yet another element to his diverse repertoire: scoring.

“Everybody’s been asking the same question at every afterparty, every festival, every bar for years now: When will Paczosa finally score?” said Alison Krauss, many of whose albums Paczosa engineered and creatively enhanced with his faultless ear, famous attention to detail, and keen musical insights.

“I was having a party at my house pretty recently, and Gary was there. I could just tell something was different that night, and then I realized it: Paczosa is finally scoring!” said Greg Liszt, banjo player for Crooked Still.

Indeed, Paczosa now writes instrument-specific parts for all players on his various recording projects, scoring music for everything from double bass to clawhammer banjo.

“Now he just commands this additional level of respect in the music world, because so many people have seen him score and know he can pull it off,” said Aoife O’Donovan, vocalist for Crooked Still.

McCain Calls Self “Reformer”, Accepts Republican Nomination in Speech With Midget, Broom

Ralph Stanley of “Man of Constant Sorrow” fame endorses Obama

McCain and his midget mascot, both members of the incumbent Republican party, tout their new reform platform.

McCain and his midget mascot, both members of the incumbent Republican party, tout their new reform platform.

MINNEAPOLIS — After countless months of primary season buildup, the presidential race officially began on September 4 with John McCain’s ceremonial acceptance of the GOP nomination, a theatrical oratory spectacle in which the six-term congressman defined his campaign platform in highly implausible terms of reform and unveiled a new Republican mascot, a midget with a broom.
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Mount Shasta Fiddle Camp Selected as New Site of CBS’s “Survivor”

One camper to be voted home every day

Jeremy Kittel and Billy Contreras perform the theme song to the new TV show, then engage in a life-and-death battle for survival at Mt. Shasta Fiddle Camp.

NEW YORK — In a move expected to transform the genre of reality TV and revolutionize the fiddle camp paradigm, CBS has announced a partnership with the Clarridges’ Mount Shasta Fiddle Camp, and the next season of the popular Survivor reality show will take place at the Northern California campsite.
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Bluegrass Founder’s New Girlfriend Age-Inappropriate, Asian-Appropriate

Eva Scow’s excitement for life is evident in her virtuosic rendition of this Brazilian-flavored mandolin piece.

The 84-year-old musical genius whose electrifying playing and deep musical spirit founded the genre of bluegrass banjo has been spotted driving around Nashville in a new Cadillac with a new girlfriend.

Although the banjo icon (whom we shall not name here out of respect for his tremendous career achievements) has been driving far too fast to accurately identify his new girlfriend, sources in Nashville indicate that the new gal is approximately 20 years old and possibly Asian or part-Asian.

The BG Intelligencer has launched an investigation into the identity of the lucky lady. Based on the information we have at this point, we are somewhat certain she is Eva Scow, 19, a Californian mandolin player and specialist in the exotic chorro music of Brazil.

After a recent night of hard-partying in Nevada City, CA, Ms. Scow said about her life, “I feel great. Everything is really falling into place.”

We wish the new couple the best of luck!

Straightedge Cellist Binges on Pot in Befouled Backstage Bathroom

“Anything to cover up that smell,” says Clarridge

Tristan Clarridge, long renowned for his moral buoyancy, has allegedly renounced his entire mode of existence with a shocking marijuana binge.

Tristan Clarridge, long renowned for his moral buoyancy, has allegedly renounced his entire mode of existence with a shocking marijuana binge.

ASHEVILLE, NC — In a shocking and disappointing turn of events, cellist Tristan Clarridge, long-renowned for his moral buoyancy and unremitting rectitude, has broken his lifelong moratorium on drug use with a scandalous backstage marijuana binge at an Asheville nightclub.

“I have never seen someone smoke that much pot. Ever. Seriously,” said Sam Grisman, bassist for the David Grisman Bluegrass Experience.

Clarridge’s actions were made even more egregious by their violation of an explicit, unmistakable and strongly-worded posting prohibiting absolutely all marijuana smoking in that particular backstage bathroom.

Clarridge, whose band Crooked Still opened up that night’s sold-out show for the David Grisman Bluegrass Experience, proceeded to spend the entirety of Grisman’s excellent set in a drug-induced stupor, prostrate upon a filthy backstage couch.

When one of the club’s numerous security guards accosted the torpid cellist, politely asking him to keep the drug abuse to a minimum, Clarridge was reportedly nonresponsive.

As justification for his behavior, Clarridge has subsequently cited the hideous, stifling miasma allegedly clouding the bathroom when Crooked Still returned to its dressing room after finishing to play.

“Anything to cover up that horrible, horrible smell,” said Clarridge.

The Orange Peel's backstage explicitly prohibits all drug use.

The Orange Peel's backstage explicitly prohibits all drug use.

Multiple band members have confirmed that an unknown perpetrator indeed “dropped a very nasty deuce” in Crooked Still’s backstage bathroom as the band played on stage.

“We finished the set all drenched in sweat and went back into the dressing room to change clothes. The smell was so overpowering that Tristan just cracked,” said Brittany Haas, Crooked Still’s fiddler.

“God, it was awful. Aoife [O’Donovan] was crying, Greg [Liszt] was screaming and cursing, Corey [DiMario] was shriveling up like one of those guys at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark,” she continued.

“All of a sudden Tristan just grabbed this huge bag of marijuana from someone in the entourage, went into the bathroom and smoked it all,” said Cameron Scoggins, a friend of the band. “I kind of couldn’t believe it.”

Although many of Clarridge’s young followers have reacted to the news with shock and disillusionment, his bandmates have defended his actions, up to a point.

Said DiMario, “Tristan is a hero. Maybe not the hero we need, but certainly the hero we deserve.”

The Duhks Announce New Green Endorsement Deals: Mascoma Biofuel, GHS Recycled Strings, Trojan Eco-Condoms

the duhks announce green deals

The Duhks are the first major folk band to receive an official prophylactic endorsement. Trojan Eco-Condoms consist of a 100% biodegradable starch derivative bioplastic, fabricated from organically farmed raw materials.

WINNIPEG — The Duhks, from Winnipeg, MB, have already staked out a place at the leading edge of folk with their bold musical fusion, rockstar charisma and outspoken environmental consciousness.

Now, the band is preparing to announce a combination of progressive product endorsements that will catapult it to the forefront of the international green music movement.
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