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May 28, 2009

Strategic Marriage Will Consolidate Power Within Single Banjo Sovereignty

Fleck, Washburn promise male heir, Holy Banjo Emperor

Abigail Washburn and Bela Fleck, accompanied by two courtesans, prepare for the historic wedding.

Abigail Washburn and Bela Fleck, accompanied here by two courtiers, prepare for the historic wedding.

NASHVILLE — After lengthy negotiations between their two camps, banjoists Bela Fleck and Abigail Washburn have agreed to marry one another, advancing their long campaign to unify the progressive and old-time banjo empires under a single sovereign ruler.

The carefully calculated union aims to create one insurmountable banjo juggernaut whose historic domain will span old-time, bluegrass, jazz, fusion, European classical, African and Chinese styles.

While strategic considerations were clearly primary, sources close to Fleck and Ms. Washburn also indicate that the future bride and groom “barely detest each other at all,” which may have facilitated the negotiations somewhat.
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Natural Disaster Obliterates DelFest, Fails to Disrupt McCoury Hair

Even the most avid fans of the Del McCoury Band could not believe the epic triumph of hair versus nature.

The epic victory of hair over nature stunned even the most avid fans of the Del McCoury Band.

CUMBERLAND, MD — On Saturday, an unfortunate combination of gale force wind, torrential rain, powerful lightning, and crushing downfalls of hail rocked DelFest, the popular musical event hosted by the Del McCoury Band.

Importantly, the relentless onslaught of life-threatening weather was not sufficient to disturb the hair of anyone in the McCoury family.

International hair experts are at a loss to explain how a human hairstyle might possibly resist such extreme environmental challenges, and several music historians have confessed to downright awe.

“I expect this episode to easily elevate Del McCoury’s status from legendary to supernatural,” said Dr. R. Hicks, a specialist in bluegrass mythology.

The Del McCoury Band’s hair, long famous for its eternal ultimate perfection and glorious splendor, likely derives from a dominant genetic element, as it is shared by Del’s sons Ronnie and Robbie, both of whom play in the band.

Interestingly, the group’s fiddler Jason Carter, who is not descended from a McCoury, has somehow managed to achieve a similar style, perhaps by gene therapy and a rigorous application of specially formulated chemical products.

The Del McCoury Band performs “All Aboard” on Austin City Limits.

“Let’s just say it’s a trade secret,” said Carter.

But even the McCourys’ most ardent admirers were shocked by the epic triumph of hair versus nature.

“At the height of the storm, when hail was shattering car windows and the winds were literally ripping the sides off industrial buildings, I looked off into the distance and I saw the whole McCoury Band with my own eyes.  Their hair was f—king perfect,” said Kimber Ludiker, fiddler in the band the Broken Blossoms.

Indeed, multiple eyewitnesses have confirmed the details of this episode, which was also caught by a documentary film crew.

“We have captured on film the greatest moment in the history of bluegrass hair, and we didn’t even plan to,” said one of the cameramen.