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April 19, 2009

Rayna Gellert Executes Twelve-Step Program Backwards in Bid To Recover From Long –Term Sobriety

In an effort to increase her old-time credibility, Rayna Gellert will start at step twelve and work backwards until she is an

In an effort to increase her old-time credibility, Rayna Gellert will start at step twelve and work backwards until she has an uncontrollable drinking problem, which she will then deny.

LEXINGTON, KY — Fiddler, singer, and longtime teetotaler Rayna Gellert has about-faced, and she is taking an innovative and methodical approach to becoming a raging alcoholic and old-fashioned moonshine addict.

“My final goal is an uncontrollable problem, immense harm to my loved ones and coworkers, and a total repudiation of God, as I understand Him,” said Gellert.

“And of course, moonshine,” she added.

Gellert, who now enjoys spiritual enlightenment as well as a stable and productive life, announced her plan in response to criticism that her life has diverged too far from the dark folkloric subjects she addresses in her music.

According to critics, the evenness of her personality has become so striking that it now threatens her artistic credibility and limits her potential for mainstream success.

“It’s a long hard road to excessive drinking and misbehavior from where Rayna is starting out,” said Gellert’s sponsor, a musician and fellow Indiana native who goes by the name Uncle Daddy.

“You can do it, baby,” he added.

“The twelve steps provide well-established, clearly defined, attainable goals and logically they do work in reverse,” he continued.

The traditional twelve-step method promotes recovery from various forms of addiction, and the steps are typically executed in order from step one to step twelve.

Gellert, who has simply reversed the process, will begin at step twelve and work backwards.

First, she will experience the exact opposite of a spiritual awakening, suddenly stopping to spread goodwill and assistance to those who need it.Then, she will forever cease all prayer and meditation that might improve her conscious contact with God.

Rayna Gellert plays the her song Drinker Born with the band Uncle Earl.

Having totally lost all knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out, Gellert will then make a personal inventory of her future moral shortcomings.

“And that’s only the third step,” said Gellert.

She will then start to make direct damage to other people whenever possible, except when to do so would help them or others in any way.

In the next step, she will make a list of all persons she intends to callously harm, and after getting drunk and inflicting that harm, she will destroy the list.

She will proceed by arrogantly demanding that God Almighty bestow numerous additional shortcomings upon her, regardless of whether she is ready to embrace all these defects of character.

She will then deny to God, herself, and other human beings the exact nature of her wrongs.

In the tenth step, Gellert will make the conscious decision to reclaim her will and life from the care of God, as she understands Him.

She will then come to believe that no power greater than herself can restore her to insanity, and believing this, Gellert will set up a moonshine still and continue drinking heavily.

Finally, she will deny that she is powerless against alcohol and that her life has become unmanageable, and she will enter a brief but exciting period of self-destruction and reduced productivity.

“I know Rayna, and this is not going to be easy for her.  But with small enough steps and all of our support, hopefully she can do it,” said J.P. Jones, a mandolin player and supportive fan.


4 Responses to “Rayna Gellert Executes Twelve-Step Program Backwards in Bid To Recover From Long –Term Sobriety”

  1. John Grimm on May 5th, 2010 5:19 pm

    I think she should forget the backwards 12 step program and go cold turkey- straight to the hard liquor.

  2. cereal on October 7th, 2009 9:55 am

    Oh lord, let this be true! Ms. Geller is a wonderful musician and beautiful woman. Only problem – she seems so serene, kind and, well, good! If she becomes a hopeless, irresponsible, harmful, total badass dunk…I better go lie down.

  3. jamesypapadoca on September 14th, 2009 3:37 pm

    Well, liqour is relatively cheap and plentiful. And it’s production supports all kinds of farmers, brewers, law enforcement workers, etc… I will happily buy her a shot of Jamesons.

  4. Diane on August 21st, 2009 3:17 pm

    If she wants to do this right, she better get the steps straight. The “searching and fearless moral inventory” is Step 4. I assume she would want to do a “blind and fearful immoral random sample”?

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