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August 21, 2008

14-Year-Old Kentucky Boy Invents Five-Finger Banjo Style

Greg Liszt shits brick

Jaden Pratt has nonchalantly pioneered a radical five-finger banjo picking style certain to revolutionize the instrument forever.

Jaden Pratt has nonchalantly pioneered a radical five-finger banjo picking style certain to revolutionize the instrument forever.

KENTUCKY — Jaden Pratt, 14, from Knob Lick, KY, has just invented a totally novel five-finger banjo picking style that strikingly advances the entire art of banjo playing.

“I am so f—cked,” said Gregory Liszt, whose musical career is founded on his use of a four-finger style previously considered innovative.

When asked to comment on his revolutionary new style, Pratt simply said, “I was just playing Reuben one day, and I looked down and noticed I was picking with five fingers.”

Typical banjo players employ some variation of the three-finger picking method pioneered by North Carolina’s Earl Scruggs.

“When I got the news about Jaden and heard the sound clips, I got this bizarre, horrid feeling deep in my guts,” added Liszt. “It’s hard to explain, but it felt like my intestines were solidifying into cement or something.”

“After a couple days of that, suddenly this earthquake hit my body and just rocked me. It was f—cking tectonic. I was at the Chestnut Hill Mall in line for an iPhone and I just fell on the ground screaming in pain,” recalled Liszt.

“It felt like having a baby, only probably 100 times worse. If you’ve ever had 100 babies all at once, maybe you can barely understand a fraction of my pain,” said Liszt.

“In fairness, having a baby actually is not that painful,” commented old time fiddler and young mother Christina Wheeler.

this is a brick

Chemical analysis of Liszt's excrement sample confirms that the banjoist indeed shitted a brick, shown here.

Liszt was hospitalized at Mass General Hospital where he remained overnight and finally excreted a solid 128-cubic inch brick weighing four pounds and two ounces.

Chemical and molecular analysis of the brick revealed a composition very similar to typical human excrement, but with an extraordinarily high density and dryness. Interestingly, the analysis attributed the brick’s reddish color to very high levels of iron and heme, likely the result of stress-related increase in red blood cell breakdown. The stool analysis also detected significant quantities of undigested blood, probably resulting from a bleeding peptic ulcer somewhere in the upper digestive tract. Such ulcers typically arise under conditions of chronic or acute stress.

“Stress-linked dehydration seems to have desiccated the patient’s large intestine, causing a near-total defect in peristalsis, a process requiring adequate lubrication. The resulting decrement in fecal flow created conditions conducive to the formation of this brick,” said Dr. Richard O’Brien of MGH.

Liszt was released from the hospital at 12:55pm today and is reported to be recovering slowly.

Comments

4 Responses to “14-Year-Old Kentucky Boy Invents Five-Finger Banjo Style”

  1. John Rossbach on April 8th, 2009 12:14 pm

    Dear Editor,

    I am appalled by the sloppy jouralism of the caption under the photo of the brick:

    The proper pastense of the verb ” to shit” is shat.

    Musically Yours,
    John Rossbach

  2. Kellen Zakula on September 28th, 2008 11:58 pm

    fucking hilarious… how did i miss this?

  3. Jim Pankey on September 4th, 2008 9:20 pm

    So… how much for the brick?

  4. Tony Trischka on August 31st, 2008 11:26 pm

    completely shocked, appalled, overwhelmed even, by the atrocious revelations revealed in this revolting rag… if one iota of these scandalous accusations is true my whole world view is rent asunder…

    zoe says: it is definitely floccinaucinihilpilification (categorizing something as totally and completely useless or full of shit)

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