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September 3, 2008

Straightedge Cellist Binges on Pot in Befouled Backstage Bathroom

“Anything to cover up that smell,” says Clarridge

Tristan Clarridge, long renowned for his moral buoyancy, has allegedly renounced his entire mode of existence with a shocking marijuana binge.

Tristan Clarridge, long renowned for his moral buoyancy, has allegedly renounced his entire mode of existence with a shocking marijuana binge.

ASHEVILLE, NC — In a shocking and disappointing turn of events, cellist Tristan Clarridge, long-renowned for his moral buoyancy and unremitting rectitude, has broken his lifelong moratorium on drug use with a scandalous backstage marijuana binge at an Asheville nightclub.

“I have never seen someone smoke that much pot. Ever. Seriously,” said Sam Grisman, bassist for the David Grisman Bluegrass Experience.

Clarridge’s actions were made even more egregious by their violation of an explicit, unmistakable and strongly-worded posting prohibiting absolutely all marijuana smoking in that particular backstage bathroom.

Clarridge, whose band Crooked Still opened up that night’s sold-out show for the David Grisman Bluegrass Experience, proceeded to spend the entirety of Grisman’s excellent set in a drug-induced stupor, prostrate upon a filthy backstage couch.

When one of the club’s numerous security guards accosted the torpid cellist, politely asking him to keep the drug abuse to a minimum, Clarridge was reportedly nonresponsive.

As justification for his behavior, Clarridge has subsequently cited the hideous, stifling miasma allegedly clouding the bathroom when Crooked Still returned to its dressing room after finishing to play.

“Anything to cover up that horrible, horrible smell,” said Clarridge.

The Orange Peel's backstage explicitly prohibits all drug use.

The Orange Peel's backstage explicitly prohibits all drug use.

Multiple band members have confirmed that an unknown perpetrator indeed “dropped a very nasty deuce” in Crooked Still’s backstage bathroom as the band played on stage.

“We finished the set all drenched in sweat and went back into the dressing room to change clothes. The smell was so overpowering that Tristan just cracked,” said Brittany Haas, Crooked Still’s fiddler.

“God, it was awful. Aoife [O’Donovan] was crying, Greg [Liszt] was screaming and cursing, Corey [DiMario] was shriveling up like one of those guys at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark,” she continued.

“All of a sudden Tristan just grabbed this huge bag of marijuana from someone in the entourage, went into the bathroom and smoked it all,” said Cameron Scoggins, a friend of the band. “I kind of couldn’t believe it.”

Although many of Clarridge’s young followers have reacted to the news with shock and disillusionment, his bandmates have defended his actions, up to a point.

Said DiMario, “Tristan is a hero. Maybe not the hero we need, but certainly the hero we deserve.”

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