Foreign Primitive Scores Coveted Princess of American Folk

Legions of suitors crushed by news

MONTREAL — In a tale reminiscent of a classic Walt Disney movie, a woodsy Quebecois aboriginal with almost no experience in the modern world has successfully romanced the most beautiful and widely-desired woman in all of folk music.

Natalie Haas, 25, the nation’s premier female folk cellist, holds a degree from The Juilliard School in Manhattan, where she majored in Manners and Charm with a minor in Cello Performance. She is also an expert in Victorian fashion and rarely appears in public wearing anything other than a brand new hand-sewn ball gown.

Ms. Haas has performed extensively with musical icons such as Alasdair Fraser and Mark O’Connor, and she attributes her fastidious approach to music and life to her extremely traditional mother, Barbara Haas, a strict disciplinarian.

Yann Falquet, whose rugged good looks and wild hair recall a young Tarzan of the Apes, has been very slowly adapting to life outside the remote forest in Quebec where he was raised. He now can be seen performing with a renowned French-Canadian trio called Genticorum.

Falquet’s earliest encounter with modern civilization took place last year when he accidentally boarded Alasdair Fraser’s Canadian Fiddle Train, and his natural gift for music first came to light.

“Here comes this crazy looking guy, wearing a bunch of rags, and you can’t understand a word he says,” recalled musician Laura Cortese. “But then he picks up this guitar, and it’s pure magic.”

Despite their disparate upbringings, Falquet and Ms. Haas soon fell in love and have now been an official couple for several months, utterly crushing the hopes and dreams of Ms. Haas’s numerous suitors.

“It’s like my blood is acid and my body is made of pain, not flesh,” said one former suitor, who preferred to remain anonymous.

“My brain feels like it’s being electrocuted from the second I wake up until I go to bed, and I’m lucky if I sleep even one night a week,” said another.

According to sources close to Haas, the happy couple has successfully managed many challenges, such as Falquet’s alien status and aversion to all forms of modern technology.

“Internet? Cell phone? Forget about it. The most sophisticated tool I’ve ever seen this guy use is a guitar pick,” said a close friend of Ms. Haas.

“It’s not that he’s emotionally detached, he actually does not know how to use a cell phone,” said Ms. Haas. “Sometimes if I haven’t seen him in awhile and I’m starting to wonder where in the world he is, he just pops up out of the woods and surprises me. It’s so romantic!”