November 13, 2008
Stelling Crusader Model Banjo Brings Peace, American Hegemony to Middle East
BAGHDAD — Stunningly, a recent United States military action has succeeded in bringing lasting peace, harmony, and American domination to the war-torn Middle East.
Military officials are attributing the success of this plan to its incorporation of the Stelling Crusader banjo, whose luscious tone, beautiful Christian ornamentation, and indomitable power apparently humbled the inhabitants of the region, starting a chain reaction of peace and American-style democracy.
“Basically, we sent a task force of highly-trained players over there with Crusader banjos, and had them just wail until the situation was resolved,” said Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates. “It was kind of a Hail Mary, but what can I say? It worked.”
A secret presidential directive authorized the plan, thereby exempting it from Congressional oversight and bypassing the controversy that has often surrounded the Bush Administration’s more radical policies.
Now, the startling success of “Operation Infinite Justice Redux” has all but silenced critics of the United States’ overseas military agenda, also increasing international awareness of the banjo to unprecedented levels.
Within days of the plan’s initiation, reports of massive religious conversions began to flood Middle Eastern news outposts, beginning in Iraq and quickly spreading to Iran, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Jordan and Israel.
Soon, these waves of religious conversion had spread as far as Pakistan and western Afghanistan and began to be accompanied by eyewitness reports describing spontaneous grassroots democratic organization.
In several countries, ethnic groups whose relations had been strained for hundreds, even thousands of years suddenly came together, often in town-hall style meetings, peacefully resolving their differences by democratic voting and praising the United States.
“You’ve probably heard a lot about the whole Sunni and Shiite thing over here in Iraq,” said one Reuters news correspondent. “Well, imagine thousands upon thousands of these people, listening to the glorious sound of the Crusader banjo and singing — literally singing — the United States Pledge of Allegiance.”
“Our work here is done,” said General David Petraeus, chief of US Central Command in Iraq.