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December 29, 2008

Berklee College of Music Implements Strict Drug Testing Policy

Mandatory minimum levels established for most major drugs

Two Berklee students expressed excitement at the prospect of increased drug testing in the coming academic year.

Two Berklee students expressed concern about the ramifications of the college's proposed drug testing program.

BOSTON — At the behest of its students and faculty, the prestigious Berklee College of Music has instituted a strict, cutting-edge substance abuse detection program aimed at maximizing the musical education of its over 4,000 students.

The school, which prides itself on the promise of a rigorous and pragmatic education, hopes that drug testing will drive elevated student performance and better prepare each pupil for post-Berklee life in the music business.

“This all but guarantees a true and bona fide Berklee experience for every single student at the school,” said a spokesman for President Roger H. Brown.

According to the new regimen, every student will be tested on a monthly basis by urinalysis and blood sampling, with screening for the presence of at least thirteen drugs including marijuana, alcohol, LSD, psilocybin, nitrous oxide, cocaine, oxycontin, ecstasy, nicotine, and ketamine, a horse tranquilizer.

For each drug, the college has adopted a scientifically determined minimum level of intoxication, below which no student should drop for any reason over the course of the semester.

A failing test result will subject each un-intoxicated student to a detailed penal hierarchy ranging from detention to permanent expulsion, depending on the severity of the infraction.

“Decisions of the drug testing board are final, although an amendment to the student bill of rights provides for an optional appeal in front of the review board, which by regulation consists of three faculty, three students, and one outside member,” said a representative from the student council.

Although policy changes made now do not take effect until the beginning of the next academic year, the announcement of future drug testing is already motivating students towards new levels of achievement.

“When I heard about all the drug testing I was like, damn, that’s hella strict. Am I going to be able to keep up? I guess we all just have to do our best for the sake of the education,” said one student, who goes by the name “Stash.”

Comments

7 Responses to “Berklee College of Music Implements Strict Drug Testing Policy”

  1. Kristen on March 18th, 2009 7:34 pm

    shit.. sign me up!

  2. Sambo on March 5th, 2009 2:18 am

    Are you guys retarded, this is a joke article establishing “minimum” levels of intoxication.

    “Each un-intoxicated student to a detailed penal hierarchy” you get punished for not being fucked up.

    Learn to read.

  3. Adam Young on January 17th, 2009 2:57 am

    You guys aren’t reading very carefully.
    They aren’t testing to make sure you AREN’T doing drugs. They’re testing to make sure you ARE.
    The final prognosis… this is a fake article.
    I mean, the stories displayed on the side should have give this one away.
    “Mt. Shasta Fiddle Camp selected as new site of CBS’s ‘Survivor'”.
    Really?

  4. Michael on January 16th, 2009 9:57 pm

    I’m not so sure if this is true.

    I went to berklee, I had some fun with a few of these items, and i graduated on time.

    However if this policy is true, and does take affect, berklee will lose more than half of there student body within one month. No prospecting students will apply to an arts school that enforces policies such as these.

    It’s border line illegal to make students who are paying tuition to take drugs tests, considering there is no compensation except for a degree. Which arguably is compensation at all.

    If this is true, Roger Brown is a hypocrite because I’ve met him, and he’s definitely smoked pot before.

    Good luck to the Berklee student body…this is shitty.

  5. Jamie on January 16th, 2009 7:01 pm

    Blood testing? I’m terrified of needles. I will no longer be applying for Berklee

  6. AL on January 16th, 2009 6:52 pm

    I think this is a terrible idea….students will just become raging alcoholics….not to mention the level of creativity might suffer….from both the students and professors…

  7. Kevin on January 5th, 2009 1:59 pm

    I SUPPORT THIS POLICY!

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