Dennis Rodman to Join Tornado Rider Band as Sideman

OAKLAND, CA — Rushad Eggleston, the exceptionally flamboyant cellist and front man of the one-of-a-kind cello rock band Tornado Rider, intends to expand his group with the addition of celebrity bad boy and former basketball star Dennis Rodman.

Rodman will join Graham Terry, electric bass and Scott Manke, drums.

“We were looking for someone who could bring a lot of hustle, energy and stage presence to the Tornado Rider team,” said the band’s manager.

“Rodman brings all those things plus an unparalleled experience with public antics, cross-dressing, tattoos, and sexually transmitted infections,” he added.

Rock critics have hailed Tornado Rider as “the most astonishing expression of pure id ever achieved with a cello.”
Read more

Incidence of Fiddle Poisoning Rises Among Immoderate Youth

Binges of hard fiddling sicken record numbers

MT. AIRY, NC— Public health officials, who only recently classified fiddle music as a bona fide intoxicant, now warn of a possible epidemic of fiddle abuse threatening American youths and young adults.

Alarmingly, the annual number of Americans seeking hospitalization for fiddle poisoning has more than doubled since 2003, increasing from 1,239 to 2,805.
Read more

Strategic Marriage Will Consolidate Power Within Single Banjo Sovereignty

Fleck, Washburn promise male heir, Holy Banjo Emperor

NASHVILLE — After lengthy negotiations between their two camps, banjoists Bela Fleck and Abigail Washburn have agreed to marry one another, advancing their long campaign to unify the progressive and old-time banjo empires under a single sovereign ruler.

The carefully calculated union aims to create one insurmountable banjo juggernaut whose historic domain will span old-time, bluegrass, jazz, fusion, European classical, African and Chinese styles.

While strategic considerations were clearly primary, sources close to Fleck and Ms. Washburn also indicate that the future bride and groom “barely detest each other at all,” which may have facilitated the negotiations somewhat.
Read more

Supreme Court Strikes Down Sutton Guitar Solo As Pornographic, Obscene

WASHINGTON, DC — The Roberts Court today ruled against former Kentucky Thunder guitarist Bryan Sutton, declaring his extended solo on “Get Up, John” from Merlefest 1998 to be obscene and gratuitous to an extent not protected by constitutional First Amendment free speech provisions.

The 6-3 decision ended a bitter and very prolonged legal battle between Sutton and the United States Justice Department. It also marked an important step in the high court’s efforts to more broadly define pornographic expression, a historically vague and problematic legal issue.
Read more

Aoife O’Donovan Found to Be Witch, Burned Alive By Locals During New England Concert

Rises from flames, sings encore on flying broom

ESSEX COUNTY, MA — An otherwise lovely Crooked Still concert in New England came to an unexpectedly violent end when a mob of angry local men accused lead vocalist Aoife O’Donovan of witchcraft and proceeded to burn her at the stake following a very brief ad hoc trial.

Pandemonium ensued when Ms. O’Donovan rose from her still-burning pyre and flew through the air on a broom, singing a chilling rendition of “Ain’t No Grave Gonna Hold My Body Down” as what remained of the terrified audience ran for the exits.

The indictment against Ms. O’Donovan charged her with the capital felony crimes of “enchanting and destroying Christian men in vast multitudes,” “afflicting them with witchcraft,” and “willfully, nefariously, and repeatedly casting songlike spells of devastating consequence.” Read more

Comprehensive Americana “Daterbase” Archives Musicians’ Romantic Relationships in Searchable Format

Revolutionary social resource to go online soon

CAMBRIDGE, MA — The enterprising young musicians behind the Internet startup called Daterbasix now report that their company is close to launching its first online database, an ambitious venture to systematically catalog every romantic relationship from the world of bluegrass and acoustic music between 1981 and the present day.

This flagship project, called the Americana Daterbase, aims to provide its information free to the public in a highly useful, well-organized format.

Users will be able to query the database with an individual name, email address, phone number, or band name.  For each search, the web server will return all known relationship data for the search subject, including names of partners, date and duration of each liason, and a very brief classification of each encounter.

“And from there you can link to the full history of any of the partners listed on the page,” said Laura Cortese, a staff member and co-founder of Daterbasix, Inc.
Read more

Musical Masturbation Renders Teen Banjo Player Temporarily Blind

WEST NEWTON, MA — Gabe Hirshfeld, a highly promising teenage banjo prodigy from Massachusetts, has returned home to be with his family as he recovers from a severe, acute loss of vision suffered during a recent late night jam.

The jam, which took place in West Newton, MA, at local band Crooked Still’s afterparty, started out very well but soon grew beyond a controllable size, beginning a steady descent into musical decadence and depravity.

Hirshfeld, who is known for his sweet banjo tone, flawless technique, and a very refined sense of taste, also has a well-deserved reputation as a restrained and considerate human being.

But even he was powerless to resist the party’s musical temptations, and as the jam slowly but inevitably devolved into an amoral orgy of self-indulgence the hesitant boy gradually succumbed.
Read more

Paul Kowert Weds Own Bass in Holy Matrimony

Ex-heartthrob forgoes female companionship forever

BROOKLYN — Young bassist Paul Kowert, who recently landed his dream job as a member of the popular band Punch Brothers, has just startled the bluegrass world by announcing that he is newly married.

According to his publicist, Kowert has taken a three-year-old American upright bass as his lawfully wedded spouse.

Kowert, who moved to New York City late last year, is an alumnus of the Curtis Institute of Music and the winner of SPBGMA’s Bachelor of the Year award in 2008.

Kowert’s highly unconventional marriage has both appalled traditionalists and delivered unthinkable disappointment to enormous numbers of female fans.

“He is a true Punch Brother now,” said bandmate Chris Thile.
Read more

Unholy Musical Fusion Conjures Undulating Succubus

WOODSTOCK, NY — An intrepid mixture of rhythmical cello playing, jazz vocalization, cryptic folk lyrics, Haitian voodoo drumming and ancient American melody has succeeded in conjuring an actual succubus, live before an audience of entranced folk music fans.

Bethany Yarrow and Rufus Cappadocia, who perform under the group name Bethany and Rufus, used their unique musical blend to summon the mythical woman, who danced provocatively as she gorged herself on the energy and souls of all the men in the room.
Read more

Skaggs, Statman Plan Apocalyptic Mandolin Extravaganza To Bring End Times to Bluegrass

“The second coming of Bill Monroe is upon us,” says religious odd couple

NASHVILLE — Multi-Grammy winner and devout Christian Ricky Skaggs is teaming up with Klezmer and bluegrass luminary Andy Statman, an Orthodox Jew, in a mandolin concert the two men agree will likely bring about End Times of Bluegrass, fulfilling the prophecy of the Rapture and subsequent Second Coming of Monroe.
Read more

Next Page »