Mike Marshall To Host International Beauty Pageant

Rio de Janeiro will serve as home of first annual Miss Mandoverse

Contestants from over 20 countries will compete in swimsuit, evening gown, mandolin, and cooking events judged by the famous mandolinist. Photo by Ron Baker.

OAKLAND — According to a press release issued today in twelve different languages, mandolin icon and international playboy Mike Marshall will present and host the first annual Miss Mandoverse Contest this April in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

The announcement, which has already created considerable publicity within the acoustic world, also carries wide-ranging implications for global beauty pageantry.

Marshall’s innovative contest, which will be televised worldwide and stream live on the internet, features standard swimsuit and evening gown events as well as special competitions based on mandolin ability and cooking.

The interview portion of the contest, a staple of most beauty pageants, will be replaced by an unprecedented second swimsuit competition.
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Berklee College of Music Implements Strict Drug Testing Policy

Mandatory minimum levels established for most major drugs

Two Berklee students expressed concern about the ramifications of the college's proposed drug testing program.

BOSTON — At the behest of its students and faculty, the prestigious Berklee College of Music has instituted a strict, cutting-edge substance abuse detection program aimed at maximizing the musical education of its over 4,000 students.

The school, which prides itself on the promise of a rigorous and pragmatic education, hopes that drug testing will drive elevated student performance and better prepare each pupil for post-Berklee life in the music business.

“This all but guarantees a true and bona fide Berklee experience for every single student at the school,” said a spokesman for President Roger H. Brown.

According to the new regimen, every student will be tested on a monthly basis by urinalysis and blood sampling, with screening for the presence of at least thirteen drugs including marijuana, alcohol, LSD, psilocybin, nitrous oxide, cocaine, oxycontin, ecstasy, nicotine, and ketamine, a horse tranquilizer.

For each drug, the college has adopted a scientifically determined minimum level of intoxication, below which no student should drop for any reason over the course of the semester.

A failing test result will subject each un-intoxicated student to a detailed penal hierarchy ranging from detention to permanent expulsion, depending on the severity of the infraction.

“Decisions of the drug testing board are final, although an amendment to the student bill of rights provides for an optional appeal in front of the review board, which by regulation consists of three faculty, three students, and one outside member,” said a representative from the student council.

Although policy changes made now do not take effect until the beginning of the next academic year, the announcement of future drug testing is already motivating students towards new levels of achievement.

“When I heard about all the drug testing I was like, damn, that’s hella strict. Am I going to be able to keep up? I guess we all just have to do our best for the sake of the education,” said one student, who goes by the name “Stash.”

Stelling Crusader Model Banjo Brings Peace, American Hegemony to Middle East

The Crusader's glorious tone, undeniable, power, beautiful Christian inlays and exquisite American craftsmanship have dominated the Middle East, enabling a dramatic pro-Western shift in the region's balance of power.

BAGHDAD — Stunningly, a recent United States military action has succeeded in bringing lasting peace, harmony, and American domination to the war-torn Middle East.

Military officials are attributing the success of this plan to its incorporation of the Stelling Crusader banjo, whose luscious tone, beautiful Christian ornamentation, and indomitable power apparently humbled the inhabitants of the region, starting a chain reaction of peace and American-style democracy.

“Basically, we sent a task force of highly-trained players over there with Crusader banjos, and had them just wail until the situation was resolved,” said Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates. “It was kind of a Hail Mary, but what can I say? It worked.”

A secret presidential directive authorized the plan, thereby exempting it from Congressional oversight and bypassing the controversy that has often surrounded the Bush Administration’s more radical policies.

Now, the startling success of “Operation Infinite Justice Redux” has all but silenced critics of the United States’ overseas military agenda, also increasing international awareness of the banjo to unprecedented levels.

Within days of the plan’s initiation, reports of massive religious conversions began to flood Middle Eastern news outposts, beginning in Iraq and quickly spreading to Iran, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Jordan and Israel.

Soon, these waves of religious conversion had spread as far as Pakistan and western Afghanistan and began to be accompanied by eyewitness reports describing spontaneous grassroots democratic organization.

In several countries, ethnic groups whose relations had been strained for hundreds, even thousands of years suddenly came together, often in town-hall style meetings, peacefully resolving their differences by democratic voting and praising the United States.

“You’ve probably heard a lot about the whole Sunni and Shiite thing over here in Iraq,” said one Reuters news correspondent. “Well, imagine thousands upon thousands of these people, listening to the glorious sound of the Crusader banjo and singing — literally singing — the United States Pledge of Allegiance.”

“Our work here is done,” said General David Petraeus, chief of US Central Command in Iraq.