Peanut Butter M&M Overdose Partially-Hydrogenates Young Fiddler Kellen Zakula

ATLANTA — Doctors and biologists are struggling to explain how an apparent junk food overdose has resulted in the first-ever partial hydrogenation of an entire human being.

Although still in some pain, Zakula is recovering under a strict diet of all-natural peanut butter.

“His body’s fat deposits, typically liquid at physiological temperature, have congealed into a semi-solid gel very similar in appearance to Crisco,” said Dr. Frederic Broussard, a leading international fat cell researcher heading the effort to explain Kellen Zakula’s condition.

“Spectroscopic analyses of numerous samples from the subject’s adipose tissue have confirmed our suspicions. The lipids in his body are partially hydrogenated.”

“This s—t is straight out of the X-Files,” said one postdoctoral fellow on the Zakula research team.

Kellen Zakula, 22, a promising young fiddler and singer, was riding in a van in central Colorado when he began to complain of diffuse physical pain radiating from his stomach and breasts. Within minutes, most of his body had stiffened, rendering him completely immobile and nonresponsive.

“It was insane. Corey DiMario and I were in the front seat, and Kellen was in the back, sort of offhandedly complaining about some kind of pain, but we didn’t think much of it. Next thing I know, I turn around and it looks like he’s got rigor mortis,” said Greg Liszt.

“And he was covered in peanut butter,” added DiMario.

“That was when we noticed the empty bag of peanut butter M&M’s next to him,” said an anonymous British girl who happened to be in the van at the time for unknown reasons.

“Not a small bag, either. I think it was one of those two pound Halloween party bags,” said Liszt.

“I can’t believe he ate the whole thing. That makes me so mad,” said DiMario.

Zakula was taken to the hospital and promptly airlifted to a CDC facility in Atlanta, GA, where experts pronounced him partially hydrogenated, but alive.

Partial hydrogenation typically occurs by an industrial process requiring high heat, a metal catalyst, and hydrogen gas.

This process chemically alters unsaturated fats such as those found in vegetable oil, increasing overall solidity and textural homogeneity at room temperature. These attributes, along with enhanced shelf life, have made partially hydrogenated vegetable oils very popular in mass-produced baked goods.

Many common brands of peanut butter also contain partially-hydrogenated vegetable oil as an additive to enhance spreadability and prevent the peanut butter from separating into distinct layers over time.

Public health officials have long warned against excessive consumption of foods containing partially-hydrogenated oils, as they contain unnatural isomers of fats that pose several long-term health risks including heart disease and stroke.

But this case marks the first instance of an immediate acute health trauma resulting from trans-fat ingestion.

“Our working model is that the vast quantity of partially hydrogenated fats from the peanut butter M&M’s so totally overwhelmed the patient’s system that they fundamentally altered the equilibrium of fat in his body, almost entirely replacing the natural isomers with their partially-hydrogenated counterparts,” said Dr. Broussard.

“To reverse this process, we have put the patient on a new diet consisting entirely of natural peanut butter, free of partially hydrogenated oils. His body seems to be coming back to normal very gradually,” said a nutritional specialist on Zakula’s treatment team.

Added Dr. Picard, “It is truly amazing that one human being was capable of eating that many peanut butter M&M’s so quickly.”

Dailey and Vincent Begin Cross-Country Segway Journey to Promote Metrosexual Awareness

[THIS JUST IN: DAILEY AND VINCENT SWEEP 2008 IBMA AWARDS WINNING ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR, ALBUM OF THE YEAR, VOCAL GROUP, EMERGING ARTIST AND GOSPEL RECORDED PERFORMANCE.]

Blue jeans by Marc Jacobs, sport coat by DKNY, black T-shirt by Juicy Couture, and camouflage guitar case by Emporio Armani.

NASHVILLE — Jamie Dailey and Darrin Vincent, the silken-voiced duo known for touching sensitivity, flawless coiffure, fashion-mindedness and a socially progressive agenda, have embarked on a trans-American road trip and concert tour to promote metrosexual awareness, especially in rural states with very few openly metrosexual males.

“Metrosexuality is not a crime, and there’s no need for us or anyone like us to be living with the slightest amount of shame,” said Vincent. “Not in New York, not in Nashville, and certainly not in rural America.”

“We can use our music to deeply connect with people who’ve never even seen a real metrosexual before,” said Vincent.

“Those bonds, those connections, do so much to break down stereotypes and promote genuine understanding among different types of people,” said Vincent, who also plays mandolin, guitar, and upright bass.

“I’m so happy that two such gifted performers are out there getting this discourse started,” said Dobro player and renowned metrosexual Jerry Douglas, whose 1989 decision to wear an earring was a watershed moment in the history of bluegrass metrosexuality.

A metrosexual is loosely defined as a heterosexual urban man with an uncommonly high concern for personal appearance, emotions, fitness and fashion. The term first arose in the 1990’s to describe various male celebrities such as Brad Pitt, David Beckham, and Leonardo DiCaprio, who embraced their feminine sides without reorienting themselves sexually.

As metrosexuality has spread through urban centers from Los Angeles to Nashville, it has failed to gain acceptance in many conservative rural strongholds, becoming a flashpoint in a nationwide culture war.

According to the band’s management team, Dailey and Vincent plan to bridge the cultural gap with the universal appeal of their rootsy music, which they also hope will dispel several myths about metrosexuals.

“For example, a lot of people from the country assume that metrosexual men can’t possibly be religious,” said Dailey. “But when they hear us play “By The Mark”, they know that we believe the same things they do, very deep down.”

“Likewise, some people think that just because we use a little product in our hair and maybe get the occasional pedicure, we couldn’t possibly play really hardcore traditional bluegrass,” said Dailey.

“To which I say two words: ‘Sweet Carrie’.”

The duo will travel by Segway, the two-wheeled, computer-stabilized transportation apparatus that revolutionized urban life forever when it was introduced near the end of the last millennium.

The Dailey and Vincent tour, which begins in Nashville, will traverse the entire country for at least one year with stops as far-flung as Lake Havasu City, AZ, and Berryville, VA.

Said Dailey and Vincent’s management, “It’s time to get the word out, people, so Dailey and Vincent are rolling your way.”