David Grisman, Bill Keith Pass Actual Torch To Younger Generation
Grisman’s glorious grey beard, transcendent aura, and mandolin wizardry have earned him a place in the California music pantheon. He often appears to be shrouded in smoke.
In recent private ceremonies in California, legendary mandolinist David Grisman reportedly commemorated the changing of the musical guard by issuing forth a real flaming torch that he symbolically passed to various budding stars.
“It just seemed like a good time to pass this torch, man,” said Grisman.
Chris Eldridge, an impressive guitarist, described the recent rite of passage.
“I kinda couldn’t believe my eyes. I had never seen anything quite that big on fire before,” said Eldridge, who is not from the West Coast.
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Country Winston Marshall Stands Firm Against Slings and Arrows, Outrageous Fortune
GQ calls Great British banjo star #6 worst dressed man of 2012
Winston the man and his attire have gone unchanged in the face of tremendous success and even the occasional critic's gibes.
In a truly startling decision, British GQ Magazine has named Winston the sixth worst dressed man of 2012.
“Which is awfully unfair because they’re talking about the whole entire world,” said Emma Beaton, a fashion consultant and Mumford and Sons fan.
“I don’t even think he’s the worst dressed man in England,” said Beaton, who is mostly Scottish.
American rapper Chris Brown took home the full notoriety of GQ’s #1 Worst Dressed Man in The World award, defeating Winston and various other Brits for obvious reasons.
“No doubt,” said Sam Leslie, an American guitarist.
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Whole Foods Ground Beef Outscores Touring Musicians on Animal Welfare Scale
Space to move around, access to enrichments earn livestock superior marks
In addition to a healthy diet, these animals enjoy ample personal space, clean, uncramped sleeping quarters, and numerous other basic provisions typically unavailable to human musicians on tour.
BOSTON, MA —Whole Foods has recently adopted an animal welfare rating system for its beef, pork, and chicken products, and the national chain is touting what it calls a new level of transparency in how farm animals are raised.
As many folk musicians know, meat sold in Whole Foods stores is now labeled with color-coded stickers indicating the source farm’s score on a five-tiered animal agriculture scale.
According to the Global Animal Partnership, the independent auditing agency that assigns the grades, even achieving the lowest rating of 1 still requires that an animal be raised on a strict vegetarian diet devoid of antibiotics and additional chemicals.
“It’s really important to note that getting to Step 1 is a huge accomplishment in the [meat] industry!” wrote an enthusiastic Theo Weening of the Whole Foods blog.
“In the music industry, very few, if any, human touring professionals make it to Step 1,” noted T. Galpin, a recent music school graduate.
“I’d be disqualified for exposure to large amounts of caffeine, penicillin, pesticidal bug spray, automobile exhaust, very questionable keg beer, secondhand smoke, firsthand smoke, methyl anthrinilate, Early Times, so much processed meat, generic suntan lotion from China, Diet Mountain Dew, that kind of thing. And of course, the occasional psychedelic,” said Galpin.
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Breaking News
Prolific guitarist, educator to bridge gap between acoustic music, US federal bureaucracy
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“This is the real McCoy,” says expert appraiser
Science and Technology
After near-misses, imminent success seen for human cloning milestone
Gossip
TV star takes blame for lookalike’s NYC misbehavior
“He used to be so famous,” say industry insiders
Calcium, herbal bone supplement abuse causes near-fatal overdose
Style
Retroactive ruling rids genre of baffling, pointless nomenclature
‘09 Gumbo Release Tour begins in May
“Our music, while good, has always come second,” said Louisiana band.
Multiple Grammy-winner stuns music world by scoring with ease
World Report
Rio de Janeiro will serve as home of first annual Miss Mandoverse
Mandatory minimum levels established for most major drugs
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From The Archives:
Comprehensive Americana “Daterbase” Archives Musicians’ Romantic Relationships in Searchable Format
Revolutionary social resource to go online soon
The Daterbase, the first resource of its kind, contains a graphical interface especially useful for the visualization of individual nodes within large relationship networks.
CAMBRIDGE, MA — The enterprising young musicians behind the Internet startup called Daterbasix now report that their company is close to launching its first online database, an ambitious venture to systematically catalog every romantic relationship from the world of bluegrass and acoustic music between 1981 and the present day.
This flagship project, called the Americana Daterbase, aims to provide its information free to the public in a highly useful, well-organized format.
Users will be able to query the database with an individual name, email address, phone number, or band name. For each search, the web server will return all known relationship data for the search subject, including names of partners, date and duration of each liason, and a very brief classification of each encounter.
“And from there you can link to the full history of any of the partners listed on the page,” said Laura Cortese, a staff member and co-founder of Daterbasix, Inc.
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Botched Exorcism Leaves Soul of Bruce Molsky in 13-Year-Old Girl
“Um, I’m not dead yet, people,” says Molsky
CORVALLIS, OR — A daring attempt to expel the immortal soul of old-time fiddler Bruce Molsky from a young girl’s earthly body has ended in disaster, leaving the girl, Tatiana Hargreaves, 13, possessed by Molsky forevermore.
According to her family, Miss Hargreaves first began to show the extraordinary signs of diabolical possession several years ago, when with no practice whatsoever she acquired an almost superhuman ability to play the old-time fiddle, the long-established instrument of the devil.
Around the same time, she spontaneously and inexplicably became fluent in an entire repertoire of rare, often apocalyptic songs from Appalachia, which she sang in an antique dialect.
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Cadillac Sky to Release Vicious Birds of Prey Instead of Soloing
A Cadillac Sky hawk arcs in a predatory swoop at the ROMP Bluegrass Festival in Owensboro, KY.
TEXAS — Cadillac Sky, whose remarkable bluegrass capabilities and head-banger mentality have earned them a fast-growing following in the country world, has recently announced its next radical innovation in rock-grass.
From now on, instead of playing a solo, each member of the band will unleash a savage raptor from an onstage cage, and the blood-thirsty bird will fly into the audience brutally mauling the faces of as many fans as possible until the solo break is over.
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