Dennis Rodman to Join Tornado Rider Band as Sideman
Like band leader Rushad Eggleston, Rodman's exhibitionist flair, fearless antics, and high profile love affairs have piqued public interest for years.
OAKLAND, CA — Rushad Eggleston, the exceptionally flamboyant cellist and front man of the one-of-a-kind cello rock band Tornado Rider, intends to expand his group with the addition of celebrity bad boy and former basketball star Dennis Rodman.
Rodman will join Graham Terry, electric bass and Scott Manke, drums.
“We were looking for someone who could bring a lot of hustle, energy and stage presence to the Tornado Rider team,” said the band’s manager.
“Rodman brings all those things plus an unparalleled experience with public antics, cross-dressing, tattoos, and sexually transmitted infections,” he added.
Rock critics have hailed Tornado Rider as “the most astonishing expression of pure id ever achieved with a cello.”
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Incidence of Fiddle Poisoning Rises Among Immoderate Youth
Binges of hard fiddling sicken record numbers
After an initial euphoria, fiddle abuse can cause vomiting, confusion, seizures, prolonged stupor, discolored skin, unconsciousness and anterograde amnesia.
MT. AIRY, NC— Public health officials, who only recently classified fiddle music as a bona fide intoxicant, now warn of a possible epidemic of fiddle abuse threatening American youths and young adults.
Alarmingly, the annual number of Americans seeking hospitalization for fiddle poisoning has more than doubled since 2003, increasing from 1,239 to 2,805.
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Supreme Court Strikes Down Sutton Guitar Solo As Pornographic, Obscene
The decision against Sutton cited his solo's "undeniable appeal to man’s basest instincts”, stating that the average listener feels “soiled, depleted, and deeply ashamed at having enjoyed it."
WASHINGTON, DC — The Roberts Court today ruled against former Kentucky Thunder guitarist Bryan Sutton, declaring his extended solo on “Get Up, John” from Merlefest 1998 to be obscene and gratuitous to an extent not protected by constitutional First Amendment free speech provisions.
The 6-3 decision ended a bitter and very prolonged legal battle between Sutton and the United States Justice Department. It also marked an important step in the high court’s efforts to more broadly define pornographic expression, a historically vague and problematic legal issue.
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Aoife O’Donovan Found to Be Witch, Burned Alive By Locals During New England Concert
Rises from flames, sings encore on flying broom
The capital felony indictment against Aoife O'Donovan accused her of "enchanting and destroying Christian men in vast multitudes" and "afflicting them with witchcraft." Photo by Thom Conlon.
ESSEX COUNTY, MA — An otherwise lovely Crooked Still concert in New England came to an unexpectedly violent end when a mob of angry local men accused lead vocalist Aoife O’Donovan of witchcraft and proceeded to burn her at the stake following a very brief ad hoc trial.
Pandemonium ensued when Ms. O’Donovan rose from her still-burning pyre and flew through the air on a broom, singing a chilling rendition of “Ain’t No Grave Gonna Hold My Body Down” as what remained of the terrified audience ran for the exits.
The indictment against Ms. O’Donovan charged her with the capital felony crimes of “enchanting and destroying Christian men in vast multitudes,” “afflicting them with witchcraft,” and “willfully, nefariously, and repeatedly casting songlike spells of devastating consequence.” Read the story »
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Skaggs, Statman Plan Apocalyptic Mandolin Extravaganza To Bring End Times to Bluegrass
“The second coming of Bill Monroe is upon us,” says religious odd couple
This once-in-a-lifetime concert event will finally establish Ricky Skaggs as the true Second Coming of Monroe.
NASHVILLE — Multi-Grammy winner and devout Christian Ricky Skaggs is teaming up with Klezmer and bluegrass luminary Andy Statman, an Orthodox Jew, in a mandolin concert the two men agree will likely bring about End Times of Bluegrass, fulfilling the prophecy of the Rapture and subsequent Second Coming of Monroe.
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Botched Exorcism Leaves Soul of Bruce Molsky in 13-Year-Old Girl
“Um, I’m not dead yet, people,” says Molsky
CORVALLIS, OR — A daring attempt to expel the immortal soul of old-time fiddler Bruce Molsky from a young girl’s earthly body has ended in disaster, leaving the girl, Tatiana Hargreaves, 13, possessed by Molsky forevermore.
According to her family, Miss Hargreaves first began to show the extraordinary signs of diabolical possession several years ago, when with no practice whatsoever she acquired an almost superhuman ability to play the old-time fiddle, the long-established instrument of the devil.
Around the same time, she spontaneously and inexplicably became fluent in an entire repertoire of rare, often apocalyptic songs from Appalachia, which she sang in an antique dialect.
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Olympic Officials of Communist China Hail Driessen’s Red Shoes as “Glorious” and “Very Respectful”
BEIJING — The 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing concluded on August 24 with a stunning final ceremony, once-and-for-all surviving the series of misunderstandings and minor episodes that had often threatened to derail China’s momentous hosting efforts.
Throughout the games, Olympic athletes, trainers, fans, entertainers and statesmen from all over the world struggled to adjust to Chinese mores, often deeply offending a rigid host government determined to achieve a suitable level of respect for its vast labors.
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