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April 1, 2009

Botched Exorcism Leaves Soul of Bruce Molsky in 13-Year-Old Girl

“Um, I’m not dead yet, people,” says Molsky

The child, who spontaneously mastered the devil’s instrument, sings a chilling prophecy of doom entitled “The Blackest Crow”. In it, she tells of a raging and burning sea, a day that turns to night, and a cursed bird, warning that “the time draws near.”

CORVALLIS, OR — A daring attempt to expel the immortal soul of old-time fiddler Bruce Molsky from a young girl’s earthly body has ended in disaster, leaving the girl, Tatiana Hargreaves, 13, possessed by Molsky forevermore.

According to her family, Miss Hargreaves first began to show the extraordinary signs of diabolical possession several years ago, when with no practice whatsoever she acquired an almost superhuman ability to play the old-time fiddle, the long-established instrument of the devil.

Around the same time, she spontaneously and inexplicably became fluent in an entire repertoire of rare, often apocalyptic songs from Appalachia, which she sang in an antique dialect.

“My child sang that the seas will rage and burn, bright day will turn to night, and the blackest crow that ever flew would surely turn to white,” said her concerned mother, R. Silver.

The fiddler Bruce Molsky, shown here in his own body, had a devil's goatee, hands like cloven hooves, and a generally demonic intensity when he played.

Bruce Molsky, who played the fiddle with a demonic intensity, also had a devil goatee, hands that resembled cloven hooves, and suspiciously pointy eyebrows.

“That was when we called the exorcist,” said her father.

“God help us all,” said the exorcist, Father Martin O’Donnell, who is dead now.

Musical scholars analyzed recordings of Miss Hargreaves and conclusively identified Molsky’s soul as the infesting force.

“Um, I’m not dead yet people,” said Molsky.

Molsky was known throughout his life for his intensely-moving renditions of traditional songs and for his intricate and unique violin bowing techniques.

His original body was demonic in appearance, especially when playing the fiddle. During performances, Molsky’s hands took the form of cloven hooves, his eyebrows became sharp and pointed like his devil goatee, and small horns appeared to grow from his temples.

Molsky plays and sings “Bury Me Not On The Lone Praire.”

“What the hell are you people talking about?” asked Molsky.

“Not only am I not dead, I’m playing a show in Brooklyn on Friday,” he added.

The attempted exorcism failed to uproot Molsky’s soul, and religious experts now agree that it is likely irremovable.

Nevertheless, Miss Hargreaves’s parents have chosen to raise her like a normal girl.

The soul of Molsky will receive a producer credit on Miss Hargreaves’s debut album, which will be released this summer at the Clifftop Old Time Fiddlers Gathering and Civil War Reenactment.


7 Responses to “Botched Exorcism Leaves Soul of Bruce Molsky in 13-Year-Old Girl”

  1. jim francis on August 8th, 2010 8:58 am

    does she give lessons?

  2. Chloris Noelke-Olson on September 16th, 2009 1:40 pm

    Bruce Molsky is Not the Devil; Jimmy Carl Black is, but he’s dead now so stop worrying. It’s time to give up on this line of thought & think up another chicken tune.

  3. Charles Brown on August 19th, 2009 7:44 pm

    I assume Bruce is getting a major portion of the royalties from her devil music. If not, I know a good lawyer.

  4. Ron Cole on June 19th, 2009 8:21 am

    I think this is a strong example of advanced and hidden science. The talent DNA strands have been recognized and extracted from Bruce and inserted into this child. The questions are, by whom? Why? And now that it has proved successful, what next? It’s terrible… not ONLY are we paid poorly, but now they’re using us as lab rats.

  5. Gabe Strand on April 12th, 2009 11:18 am

    Maybe she’ll grow out of it?

  6. rafe stefanini on April 8th, 2009 10:00 am

    i have known bruce for a long time, and also played in a band with him for a decade, and i never noticed he was THE DEVIL! expect maybe for a vague smell of sulphur around him after a particularly fast tune …. i always thought it was just the dancers farting.

  7. Jeff Lewis on April 1st, 2009 8:41 am

    no fucking way. this is hilarious.

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