McCain Calls Self “Reformer”, Accepts Republican Nomination in Speech With Midget, Broom

Ralph Stanley of “Man of Constant Sorrow” fame endorses Obama

McCain and his midget mascot, both members of the incumbent Republican party, tout their new reform platform.

MINNEAPOLIS — After countless months of primary season buildup, the presidential race officially began on September 4 with John McCain’s ceremonial acceptance of the GOP nomination, a theatrical oratory spectacle in which the six-term congressman defined his campaign platform in highly implausible terms of reform and unveiled a new Republican mascot, a midget with a broom.

“I say to you that the great United States cannot afford four more years a George W. Bush — four more years a cronyism, nepotism, rascalism and service to the Innarests! The choice, she’s a clear’un: John McCain, servant ‘a the little man! Ain’t that right, little fella?”

To which the mascot enthusiastically seconded, “He ain’t lyin’!”

Without missing a beat, a boisterous McCain added, “When the little man says jump, John McCain says, ‘How high?’”

“And, ladies’n jettymens, the little man has admonished me to grasp the broom ‘a reform and sweep this country clean!”

The new Republican mascot is a little person with a broom, signifying the party's commitment to "reform" and the little man.

McCain, the incumbent party nominee and one of the notorious Keating Five, then moved the RNC crowd to thunderous applause by proclaiming, “The Innarests can take care ‘a theyselves! Come Tuesday, Nov. 4, we gonna sweep the rascals out! Clean gummint!”

David Axelrod of the Barack Obama braintrust seemed resigned to the strategic effectiveness of the opposition’s outrageously illogical claims, commenting with a sigh, “Well, it’s a well-run campaign. Midget and broom and what-not.”

“Devil his due,” agreed Terry W., a partner at the Strategy Group, a political consultancy in Chicago.

“Helluva awgazation,” said Jeffrey L., of Anzalone Liszt Research Associates in Montgomery, AL.

Mere days earlier, the McCain campaign seemed moribund as it reeled from the force of Barack Obama’s nomination acceptance speech, the rock-like event-of-a-lifetime for the 80,000 people lucky enough to acquire a coveted ticket to the sold-out stadium and an historic occasion nonetheless for the over 40 million television viewers.

“I’m goddamn bona fide, I’ve got answers,” said Obama.

A flustered McCain, famous for his occasionally uncouth outbursts, responded less-than-diplomatically to Obama’s momentous speech and resulting spike in popular approval. Before a campaign advisor could calm the Republican’s rage, McCain rudely repeated an obvious fact about his Democratic rivals, “These boys is not white!”

He added, “Hell, they ain’t even ol’-timey!”

In his own nomination acceptance speech, McCain further slammed Obama as “a man who lacks moral fiber.”

Quick to respond, Obama fired back, “You pasty-faced sonofabitch, I invented moral fiber.”

But the most decisive moment of the campaign this week came in the form of a sudden and unequivocal endorsement by Dr. Ralph Stanley on behalf of Barack Obama.

Stanley, 84, the iconic singer and banjoist from southwestern VA, arranged and popularized the traditional song “Man of Constant Sorrow”, which went on to become the sleeper hit of this decade and one of the best-loved tunes of all time.

With a clarity often lacking in the mainstream media, Stanley immediately reduced the McCain campaign to its most basic inconsistency, asking simply, “How’re you gonna run ‘Reform’ when you’re the damn incumbent?”

“Weepin’ Jesus on the Cross,” he added.

At a recent Obama rally in Virginia, the appearance of the Man of Constant Sorrow himself provoked levels of hysteria more commonly seen at rock concerts than political rallies.

For more on the Ralph Stanley endorsement of Barack Obama, visit the Washington Post.