March 29, 2009
Comprehensive Americana “Daterbase” Archives Musicians’ Romantic Relationships in Searchable Format
Revolutionary social resource to go online soon
The Daterbase, the first resource of its kind, contains a graphical interface especially useful for the visualization of individual nodes within large relationship networks.
CAMBRIDGE, MA — The enterprising young musicians behind the Internet startup called Daterbasix now report that their company is close to launching its first online database, an ambitious venture to systematically catalog every romantic relationship from the world of bluegrass and acoustic music between 1981 and the present day.
This flagship project, called the Americana Daterbase, aims to provide its information free to the public in a highly useful, well-organized format.
Users will be able to query the database with an individual name, email address, phone number, or band name. For each search, the web server will return all known relationship data for the search subject, including names of partners, date and duration of each liason, and a very brief classification of each encounter.
“And from there you can link to the full history of any of the partners listed on the page,” said Laura Cortese, a staff member and co-founder of Daterbasix, Inc.
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Musical Masturbation Renders Teen Banjo Player Temporarily Blind
In his convalescence, Gabe Hirshfeld reviews a live Bela Fleck solo, transcribed from tablature to braille.
WEST NEWTON, MA — Gabe Hirshfeld, a highly promising teenage banjo prodigy from Massachusetts, has returned home to be with his family as he recovers from a severe, acute loss of vision suffered during a recent late night jam.
The jam, which took place in West Newton, MA, at local band Crooked Still’s afterparty, started out very well but soon grew beyond a controllable size, beginning a steady descent into musical decadence and depravity.
Hirshfeld, who is known for his sweet banjo tone, flawless technique, and a very refined sense of taste, also has a well-deserved reputation as a restrained and considerate human being.
But even he was powerless to resist the party’s musical temptations, and as the jam slowly but inevitably devolved into an amoral orgy of self-indulgence the hesitant boy gradually succumbed.
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Paul Kowert Weds Own Bass in Holy Matrimony
Ex-heartthrob forgoes female companionship forever
Paul Kowert, pictured here with his stunning new bride, is challenging traditional notions of marriage and family. Photo by Maria Camillo.
BROOKLYN — Young bassist Paul Kowert, who recently landed his dream job as a member of the popular band Punch Brothers, has just startled the bluegrass world by announcing that he is newly married.
According to his publicist, Kowert has taken a three-year-old American upright bass as his lawfully wedded spouse.
Kowert, who moved to New York City late last year, is an alumnus of the Curtis Institute of Music and the winner of SPBGMA’s Bachelor of the Year award in 2008.
Kowert’s highly unconventional marriage has both appalled traditionalists and delivered unthinkable disappointment to enormous numbers of female fans.
“He is a true Punch Brother now,” said bandmate Chris Thile.
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Unholy Musical Fusion Conjures Undulating Succubus
WOODSTOCK, NY — An intrepid mixture of rhythmical cello playing, jazz vocalization, cryptic folk lyrics, Haitian voodoo drumming and ancient American melody has succeeded in conjuring an actual succubus, live before an audience of entranced folk music fans.
Bethany Yarrow and Rufus Cappadocia, who perform under the group name Bethany and Rufus, used their unique musical blend to summon the mythical woman, who danced provocatively as she gorged herself on the energy and souls of all the men in the room.
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Skaggs, Statman Plan Apocalyptic Mandolin Extravaganza To Bring End Times to Bluegrass
“The second coming of Bill Monroe is upon us,” says religious odd couple
This once-in-a-lifetime concert event will finally establish Ricky Skaggs as the true Second Coming of Monroe.
NASHVILLE — Multi-Grammy winner and devout Christian Ricky Skaggs is teaming up with Klezmer and bluegrass luminary Andy Statman, an Orthodox Jew, in a mandolin concert the two men agree will likely bring about End Times of Bluegrass, fulfilling the prophecy of the Rapture and subsequent Second Coming of Monroe.
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Punch Brothers Compose Ambitious New Piece
Goal: To Fully Alienate All Traditionalists Regardless of Age, Nationality, Creed
A candid shot caught Punch Brothers relaxing after a hard day of composing.
NEW YORK — Punch Brothers, hot young pioneers of through-composed music for bluegrass instruments, have begun work on their most ambitious piece so far.
The band, which features Chris Thile on mandolin and vocals, will build upon the vast achievements of its previous 40-minute suite, “The Blind Leaving the Blind”, this time employing even more advanced compositional tools towards a singular objective: to estrange every single traditional bluegrass enthusiast without exception.
“We will not come up short this time,” said Thile.
“We came so close with the Piece, but we’re a much more fully realized ensemble now than we were back then.”
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Olympic Officials of Communist China Hail Driessen’s Red Shoes as “Glorious” and “Very Respectful”
BEIJING — The 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing concluded on August 24 with a stunning final ceremony, once-and-for-all surviving the series of misunderstandings and minor episodes that had often threatened to derail China’s momentous hosting efforts.
Throughout the games, Olympic athletes, trainers, fans, entertainers and statesmen from all over the world struggled to adjust to Chinese mores, often deeply offending a rigid host government determined to achieve a suitable level of respect for its vast labors.
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McCain Calls Self “Reformer”, Accepts Republican Nomination in Speech With Midget, Broom
Ralph Stanley of “Man of Constant Sorrow” fame endorses Obama
McCain and his midget mascot, both members of the incumbent Republican party, tout their new reform platform.
MINNEAPOLIS — After countless months of primary season buildup, the presidential race officially began on September 4 with John McCain’s ceremonial acceptance of the GOP nomination, a theatrical oratory spectacle in which the six-term congressman defined his campaign platform in highly implausible terms of reform and unveiled a new Republican mascot, a midget with a broom.
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The Duhks Announce New Green Endorsement Deals: Mascoma Biofuel, GHS Recycled Strings, Trojan Eco-Condoms
The Duhks are the first major folk band to receive an official prophylactic endorsement. Trojan Eco-Condoms consist of a 100% biodegradable starch derivative bioplastic, fabricated from organically farmed raw materials.
WINNIPEG — The Duhks, from Winnipeg, MB, have already staked out a place at the leading edge of folk with their bold musical fusion, rockstar charisma and outspoken environmental consciousness.
Now, the band is preparing to announce a combination of progressive product endorsements that will catapult it to the forefront of the international green music movement.
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Cadillac Sky to Release Vicious Birds of Prey Instead of Soloing
A Cadillac Sky hawk arcs in a predatory swoop at the ROMP Bluegrass Festival in Owensboro, KY.
TEXAS — Cadillac Sky, whose remarkable bluegrass capabilities and head-banger mentality have earned them a fast-growing following in the country world, has recently announced its next radical innovation in rock-grass.
From now on, instead of playing a solo, each member of the band will unleash a savage raptor from an onstage cage, and the blood-thirsty bird will fly into the audience brutally mauling the faces of as many fans as possible until the solo break is over.
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